Goodbye old house...

We are on our way to our half of the closing to sell our house in South Bountiful (the other half happened last night). I am having mixed feelings, but not like what I thought I would. Mostly, I am very excited. Only one mortgage to worry and stress over. Only one set of utilities to remember to pay every month. No more mowing the huge lawn while being 6 months pregnant with a push mower. Those are some pretty big happy thoughts if you ask me.

I only have two things I'm a little sad about. One, it won't give me an excuse to just be there in the yard and run into all the WONDERFUL people in my old ward. But I only live a couple of miles, so they can still come see me, right ;) And two, I am sad to see our basement tenants go. They are such a cute family, and have made all the drama we have had with our other tenants bearable by being so easy to deal with. We are going to miss them a lot...thank goodness for blogs!

The new family that bought the home is SO nice! They are moving in this weekend, so if you live in the area, wave at them as you are driving by as they unload the U-Haul. I know they really like the home, and I know they will take good care of it. That, in and of itself, is what we have been praying for since we decided to sell, so I'm happy.

Another Top 10...

Our upstairs tenants moved out last week while we were gone. I have learned a lot from these guys, and I hope they enjoy their new place. I knew when they left, that I'd have some cleaning to do, because that's just how it is. Today marks the third day I will have spent over there cleaning and scrubbing. But it hasn't been all bad (it's been bad though, don't get me wrong)...

Here's my Top 10 Things I've Learned and Have Become Grateful for Over the Past 3 Days

1. Husbands are invaluable. Bryan has taken the kids so I haven't had to do this while toting 4 needy bored children around...THANK YOU!
2. It has given me a lot of quiet time to think and ponder.
3. When I was having too much time to think and ponder, Bryan suggested I bring the radio and listen to some of his talks he has compiled. So I got to learn at the feet of Elder and Sister Holland, Elder Hinckley, Elder Bednar, and Elder Maxwell yesterday. I was proud of myself a bit because I actually understood most of what Elder Maxwell said. It's hard to dissect his quotations, but this one was so full of imagery, I had to share. "Moreover, secular education wisely does not pretend to give us answers to the great “Why?” questions—any more than you and I would read a telephone directory in search of a plot." I love how when he tells a joke, it takes a minute for people to laugh as they are trying to process what it was he said. :)
   
4. Sometimes when I'm pregnant, I tend to get a bit lazy when it comes to, well, everything. So it has felt very good to accomplish something that for me was hard.
5. I felt like this experience with these tenants has been kind of like homework from Heavenly Father. I tell Him, "I've learned! I'm smart now! Can I move on to the next lesson now???" He answers, "Let's see if you have learned." Though in the first few hours of this assignment, I knew I was failing miserably, I feel like I pulled it together a bit more for the middle, and I'm hoping I'll hang in there for the end. I know I handled things better this time than I would have a year ago. Progression always makes me happy. I can't take credit for the part I did well on. I struggled for several hours, whereas, Bryan struggled for a few minutes, pulled it together, then pulled me along. He's good like that.
6. I learned that not doing deep cleaning for six months can reak havoc on a toilet. Thank goodness for pumice stones.
   
7. Heavenly Father sometimes gives you little blessings to get you through uncomfortable situations. While I was working at the house, I found out some info about some good friends that I otherwise would not have known, and I was able to do something about it. It was just the boost I needed to get me through the nasty bathroom.
8. When an outlet is cracked in half, don't try and unplug the plug from it. ZAP!
9. Sometimes, we are supposed to be bold and "slay Laban" which goes against our natures and desires. Sometimes, we are supposed to suffer as Joseph Smith in humble silence which can feel almost impossible when surrounded by injustice. Learning to submit our will...painful, but good.
10. Some people, namely me, are not meant to be landlords :)

An appreciation for Sunday...at last

Sacrament meeting, I think I have mentioned before, is not a quiet holy time for me to reflect and ponder the atonement. It is a wrestling match, a battle of wills, and a test of endurance that would challenge even the fittest of athletes. It is a time when I try so hard to get my kids to glean knowledge from the experience and consistency of going to their church meetings, while I am simultaneously trying to make sure that others in attendance are able to gain something from the meeting in spite of our family's attendance. So much so, in fact, that I often leave feeling more depleted than when I arrived... messy hair, colored on skirt, and shoeless kids in tow. Don't get me wrong, the kids aren't always bad all at the same time, but with 4 kids...chances are pretty high that at least two of them will be having a moment at any given moment.

Now I have not been to my "normal" church meetings for over 3 weeks. Week one: I had some nasty bronchitis cold thing that made me sound like a 30 year smoker. Week two: the hair episode. Week three: I substituted for leading the music in primary (I survived!!!). So today, well, I'm looking forward to today. Even though I know it will likely be filled with an over-abundance of the crazies leading up to our departure, and a severe case of the wiggles as soon as I sit down with Asher, I realized that even though most weeks I feel like I get next to nothing from what is said by the teachers and speakers, there is a replenishment of my spiritual self that happens, often times so subtle I don't even notice it...until that was, I wasn't getting it.

So bring on the wrestling, the wiggling, the war...I'm ready. :) If I am honest, I think part of this optimism stems from the fact that I just realized I only have one more Sunday before Asher goes to nursery. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!! :D

The gifts.

This has been a week of gifts. And since time has a way of making me forget, I thought I would write down a few of them so that I don't.

I made it back from Colorado...safely...YAY! The kids were alive when I got here, the house in one piece, and I can now add one more state to my now 8 state repertoire of world travel. I loved Colorado, but it made me more sure than ever that if I can, I want to stay right where I am.

I got to spend some wonderful time with my sis-in-law. It had been a bit of an intense week the week prior so not only was it a huge blessing to be able to use her as my 4 day long distraction, but even more than that, she is an example of the kind of mother and person I want to someday be. She is the get down on the floor in the middle of a messy room and play with your kids kind of mom. A lot of times, I still can't see past the projects and the to-do lists to make time to just enjoy those moments like she does, and that's something I am excited to start trying to do a lot better at this summer with the kids. Another reason I think she's just awesome is that the entire time we were together (and that was a LOT of time, let me tell you) I did not hear one negative thing come out of her mouth about another person. I am a bit more blunt I think in my assessments of others, but she is the kind of person that someone will say at her funeral, and be able to say it with 100% honesty, that they never heard an unkind word about another person leave her lips. Though no one that knows me now will be able to say that about me, I'm looking forward to becoming that person...hopefully sooner than later.

We stayed with a family that had 4 little girls that were my kids' same ages. I was a bit shocked, to put it mildly, at how quiet their house was. I heard 2 meltdowns (minor meltdowns) during the entire time we were there, but their 3 year old didn't have a voice that could rival Ty Pennington on a megaphone either, and I'm sure that made a difference. Even though the peace and quiet was a nice, temporary change of pace, it made me realize how I feel completely incomplete without my children...inadequacies in tow. I deeply missed Aeden's constant loud voice, Zerin's incessant bakugan explanations, Liah's neediness, and Asher being a total momma's boy. I realized, that as many mistakes...big mistakes...as I make, being a mother is my absolute favorite thing that I am, that I do, and it's the one thing that if I mess it up, I won't get over it. I am once again, recommitting myself to doing better in this area.

When I would call Bryan during my trip, I could hear in his voice that he didn't feel well, but he never complained. He always reassured me that he and the kids were fine, taking some of my worry away. When I got home, I realized how much he had been in pain while I was gone, and how much he pushed through just to make it through the day with the kids. When I am not feeling well, it's sometimes all I can do to just survive myself, but with him, he somehow managed to work with the kids, implemented a better routine for them, and took them little places to do fun little things. I have thought many times about the scripture that talks about overcoming the natural man, but until I met Bryan, I don't know if I have watched that with my own eyes. As I become increasingly uncomfortable, irritable, and emotional with this pregnancy, I look at him and realize I have a choice in how I will react, and act during my discomfort, "which thing I had never supposed."

I have been in a constant state of worry about our other home, and this process of getting it sold. We were supposed to hear about the appraisal and the inspection, but when by Friday afternoon I still hadn't heard anything, I decided to call the realtor. I left her a message, and then went about my business. A few hours later, I noticed a voicemail on my phone, and the realtor said that she had emailed me their repair requests. Again, this was the beginning of our lives falling apart during our last sale, so I was braced for the worst. I was shocked to find that all of their requests were not only minor, but within the $200 we had agreed upon. Even though I still won't believe it's done until it is done, it gave me hope. I like having hope, it's nice.

When I got home, I noticed a new dishcloth on our counter. Bryan mentioned it had been left on our window sill Monday morning with a bottle of Joy detergent, but there was no mention as to where it came from, no note or anything. I figured it was just someone who had taken pity on me in my stupidity from last week and was trying to cheer me up. It made me smile, but I wasn't obsessed with trying to figure it out like I usually am. Again, later that night, I heard the phone ring, but we were in the middle of a movie, and I was too lazy to get up, so I let it ring. When I went to bed, I decided to check our messages, just in case. It was this my favorite lady friend from the last post...she was calling to check up on me, make sure I was doing okay, and to let me know that she left the dishcloth, and that the detergent was from her relative....the woman. I balled. How much courage would it have taken for this woman to not only swallow her pride enough to revisit the situation, but then to extend an olive branch like that...it was beyond touching.

I realized then how each and every interaction I have each and every day, be it my sweet husband, my children, or the checker at the grocery store... I have the power to improve upon their lives, or make them harder. I realized a little more deeply than I already explained that everyone has a story... how can we judge, be angry, or even allow ourselves to feel hurt when we don't know that whole story. Someday, probably on the other side because I don't see myself having this much courage in this life, I want to tell this woman she taught me one of the greatest lessons I think I have ever learned (even bigger than the one she was trying to teach me ;) ), and given me two of the greatest gifts I have ever received. Humility for one...and getting one tiny step closer to looking at my fellow man as Christ would...with total, unconditional empathy and love.

"My cup runneth o'er."

A journal entry...

This entry isn't meant to be entertaining, or anything else. It's just my journal. So there are no pictures, no funny stories...just a little real life for you.

This week has been, I am not even sure what to call it anymore...stretching maybe? Once again, I feel like I am on this supertrain blazing through the countryside of experience trying to glean something from the many experiences I have been having.

We have been trying to sell our other house. Two weeks ago, we got an offer, and went back and forth with them for several days...finally, we rejected it because it was obvious they just couldn't do what we needed to make it work. We have been showing the house very regularly, and had lots of interest, so I felt very calm about things at that point, even confident which was a nice change. Then, these same people came back with another offer (still way too low) so again, we countered one last time, and told them take it or leave it, we aren't going to keep messing around. Well, they took it, and we started the real hard part. I love this couple, they are very sweet. Their realtor...as a person, she's very nice, but oh the realtor part of her is sending me into an early grave. I feel like I am playing a mental game every time I talk to her, and it has been exhausting.

We had our appraisal this last week, and we're waiting to hear if it comes back where we need it to. It feels even more out of our hands than usual, because we have some tenants that have never owned a home that don't really clean or straighten for showings or things like this so that doesn't help. Supposedly, that doesn't matter with appraisals, but I think appraisals depend on more of what the appraiser eats for breakfast than any actual science, so I'm pretty sure the mess hurts us.

Then on this coming Wednesday, the buyers have scheduled our inspection. This was the beginning of the end for us on our last sale that ended in such disaster, so I'm a bit of a wreck about it. Then the realtor told me that we (or our tenants) cannot be in the home at all for the inspection and it will take 5 hours!!! I don't know this gentleman from Adam, but 2, maybe 3 hours I can see, but 5?! And then they won't let anyone be there while he handles the inspection, and I'm sorry, but what does he have to hide? It seems very shady to me, and I'm sick about it. They have until this Friday to back out with their earnest money because of the inspections, so we should know by then if it will happen or not....I hope.

Then, it has been a juggling act with giving our tenants notice and the new buyers. One of our tenants was already planning on leaving around that time, so it doesn't change their plans too much, but the other tenants were not wanting to leave ever, so they have been scrambling to find a new place. They think they have a place and can begin moving out soon, but won't know until Tuesday. Well, the new buyers are mad because if our tenants aren't going to be there in July providing them with rent, they want to move in right away (understandable), which means they need to give their landlord notice right away, and yeah, it's just been a mess. I have tried to make everyone happy, but I'm tired. I wouldn't be surprised if both of our tenants get all moved out and these guys back out at the last minute, earnest money in tow. I'm trying to have faith that we have done everything we can do, so what is happening is what is supposed to happen, and not a punishment, but it's getting hard to remember, especially when I'm staring the dragon in the mouth.

I am leaving for 4 days in the morning to Colorado with my sis-in-law to help her find a house. Her husband was stationed in Colorado Springs (they have been living in South Dakota) so they have decided to try and buy a house rather than just live on base. I am so excited to spend the time with her, and that she would even ask...it will be a fun little get away. Bryan is now home part time for the summer, so he's staying home with all our kids. That brings me it's own set of anxiety and guilt, as not only does he have all the kids to deal with by himself with his health stuff, but he will have to deal with the stupid realtor and the inspection this week alone. It makes me a bit sick, but luckily his Mom and sister are close by, so I'm hoping it will all be okay.

When I was up in Logan a couple of years ago taking care of things with my brother, I got these nasty bad stomach aches...I think it was probably just a mild ulcer. Well, this week because of stuff, those aches came back with a vengence. I wouldn't really care, except they make me nervous with being pregnant. Usually they aren't too bad, mostly they hit when I'm on the phone with the realtor :). Anyways, on Friday, they were particularly harsh. I took the kids to the park for a couple of hours and we had a picnic in the rain...it was fun. The pain calmed down, but I could still feel it when it was time to go get Zerin from his last day of school. I got there about 5 minutes early, but the school had blocked off the normal pick up spot, and there was no parking for about a block in either direction because so many parents were there for 6th grade and kindergarten graduations and all the class parties. I found one spot, about half a block away, but it was no where near where I usually pick him up. So I waited for a minute, hoping he would see me, but he was in a full-blown bakugan negotiation so I knew he wouldn't look up if he didn't have to. I called to him, but he didn't hear me with all of the mobs of kids running everywhere. Last day of school, remember ;) Asher was crying because he was an hour overdue for his nap. I knew if I carted him down with me that I would be hurting full-force again, so thus began the chain of events that led to one of the most traumatic events of my life. Looking back, I should have just sent Liah to go get him, but that option didn't even occur to me at the time. So, I rolled all the windows down, turned off the van, and told Liah she was in charge. Her favorite song was playing on the radio, and she begged me to turn the van back on so she could listen to it. So being distracted, and once again, STUPID, I turned on the van to keep her happy, and I took off running down the hill to get Zerin (I'm sure that looked awesome...me and my huge pregnant self bobbing down the sidewalk).

It took me about 1 minute to get him, and maybe 2 more minutes to peel him away from his friends. We then both took off running up the hill to the van. He ran the whole way, I sped-walked. When we were starting back, I saw a woman, standing at the van with her son. When I was about halfway up the hill, I noticed she was on her phone, so I knew what was coming. Asher was still crying, and Aeden was now out of his seatbelt talking to Liah about what was going on. As I approached, this woman then proceeded to scream at me for about what seemed like forever, but it was probably more like 5 or 10 minutes. She insisted I wait for the police, and kept yelling about how stupid and wrong what I did was. I am ashamed to admit, I got a bit defensive at first, not because I thought what I did was right, but because I was backed into a corner. By this time, Aeden yelled at her to not be mean to his Mommy, so I had to get after him to not talk to adults like that. I then told her I would wait for the police like she demanded, but I didn't need to be harrassed by her while I did, so I rolled up my window as she yelled. This whole time, her husband was trying to calm her down, but it wasn't working so much. Her son was also standing there...I never really looked at his face, but I can imagine it wasn't fun for him either. The sidewalks were packed...remember, last day of school, so yeah. My kids at this point were all terrified because they thought I was getting arrested. While I was waiting I reassured them that the only reason the lady was mad and that the police were coming was because they were nice people who care so much about them and want them to be safe, and they were really worried, because Mommy did a really dumb thing to leave them in the car alone. I waited for again, what seemed like forever, but again, it was probably only about 10 minutes. Once the police officer got there, he reminded me how stupid I was, and told me not to do it again, and sent me on my way. The woman pulled away as she saw me drive away. At least it was over. I was guilt-ridden, humiliated, and devasted for what I had put my sweet babies through. What mother...? It was like re-living my brother's experience 2 years ago all over again.

I thought about the woman. How I wished she hadn't handled it like she did, but my guilt set in even more as I realized "what kind of traumatic event(s) has she been through that would draw that kind of reaction?" I felt horrible, not only for my children, and my own stupidity and humilation, but for what I had put her through, and her husband, and her son. After balling hysterically for a few hours while the kids played and watched a movie, I pulled it together and asked Zerin if he knew the little boy. He was like, "yeah, he was at fathers and sons." They are in our WARD?! If you know Zerin, you know he is never wrong about things like that, so I lost it again. How could I possibly go to church...especially since I was supposed to sub to lead the music in primary...in front of everyone? Late that night, I got a call on my cell, but I didn't feel like answering so I let it ring without checking it. The next morning I checked my voicemail and it was one of my favorite people in the world, apologizing for her relative who was the woman. She felt horrible, and said the husband of this woman was devastated about it, and sorry. I felt even worse...I was the one in the wrong, I was. And here were even more people I loved and cared about getting hurt from one stupid bad choice. I was however, relieved to find that this family didn't live in our ward, so I could go to church :) I went to the home of my friend, and told her I was fine, and apologized. I also found out that I had been right, this woman had been through a lot, and seen a lot in her life, and so coming on a situation like mine completely pushed her over the edge. All in the name of trying to avoid a little side ache. I don't think I will ever be the same after this, but that is good.

So now, I'm sitting here, getting it all out hoping I can pull it together enough to do a good job in primary today (which I am terrified about). I don't think I have been humbled to the point of sack cloth and ashes, but it feels close. I am not one to pretend to be something I am not, and so those that read this, be it my children, my family, or my friends, you get me...all of me. If someone can learn from my me-ness, then I suppose all of this humility will be worth it. Please don't lecture me though...I know I was stupid.