Why I'm Like Pam...

So, usually I don't blog about TV shows, but this one was more like watching my own movie of life, than just a TV show, so I guess it's forgivable. It is probably a huge mistake to put these two pictures together...I pretty much looked like I had been through a battle after giving birth to Zerin..."I did not look cute!" ;)

So, last night, Jim and Pam had their baby on The Office. It was painful to watch...good painful because I suppose it hit incredibly close to home. No, I didn't nurse someone else's baby, luckily, but the emotions, and the crying, and the non-fairytaleness of having your first child...wow. Give those 2 an oscar because, yeah. Bryan laughed and shook his head through the whole thing...I just ducked and hid under my blanket, trying to resurpress all of those memories.

I think I have spent the last 8 years blocking out many of my irrational thoughts and behaviors, my moodiness, my frustrations, and the panic that set in once I realized that this sweet little baby boy I had just labored for 16 hours to bring into the world was 100% dependant on my abilities to keep him alive. Oh the fear :) Not to mention my "wealth of knowledge" on babies and children. This one is just laughable as I look back at how I thought that I not only KNEW what I was getting into, but how I also knew how to do it better than everyone else and would thus avoid many, if not all of the pitfalls of parenthood. "If I do this, then this WILL happen." hahaha...oh to be young, naive, and STUPID again :) I am just so grateful that I have been able to grow up, at least a little. I don't see the same attitude in most of my friends and family that are in this stage, so I guess I am just extra prideful or something :)

Becoming a Mom was the greatest thing that ever happened to me, but I cannot even tell you how glad I am that I will never again have to be a first time mom again. EVER! I would almost rather repeat high school than go back to that place...and I pretty much hated high school, so there you go.

Every additional day that I am a Mom further solidifies my knowledge that I do not have the answers on how to be the world's best mother like I used to think I did. But I feel confident in knowing that my Heavenly Father did not send me here to fail. And even though it's hard for me to fathom, He loves my children more than I do, and He is always there to guide and direct me in my endeavors to be a good mother to these sweet children He loves so much.

What a blessing and a comfort that is.

A journal entry...

This entry isn't meant to be entertaining, or anything else. It's just my journal. So there are no pictures, no funny stories...just a little real life for you.

This week has been, I am not even sure what to call it anymore...stretching maybe? Once again, I feel like I am on this supertrain blazing through the countryside of experience trying to glean something from the many experiences I have been having.

We have been trying to sell our other house. Two weeks ago, we got an offer, and went back and forth with them for several days...finally, we rejected it because it was obvious they just couldn't do what we needed to make it work. We have been showing the house very regularly, and had lots of interest, so I felt very calm about things at that point, even confident which was a nice change. Then, these same people came back with another offer (still way too low) so again, we countered one last time, and told them take it or leave it, we aren't going to keep messing around. Well, they took it, and we started the real hard part. I love this couple, they are very sweet. Their realtor...as a person, she's very nice, but oh the realtor part of her is sending me into an early grave. I feel like I am playing a mental game every time I talk to her, and it has been exhausting.

We had our appraisal this last week, and we're waiting to hear if it comes back where we need it to. It feels even more out of our hands than usual, because we have some tenants that have never owned a home that don't really clean or straighten for showings or things like this so that doesn't help. Supposedly, that doesn't matter with appraisals, but I think appraisals depend on more of what the appraiser eats for breakfast than any actual science, so I'm pretty sure the mess hurts us.

Then on this coming Wednesday, the buyers have scheduled our inspection. This was the beginning of the end for us on our last sale that ended in such disaster, so I'm a bit of a wreck about it. Then the realtor told me that we (or our tenants) cannot be in the home at all for the inspection and it will take 5 hours!!! I don't know this gentleman from Adam, but 2, maybe 3 hours I can see, but 5?! And then they won't let anyone be there while he handles the inspection, and I'm sorry, but what does he have to hide? It seems very shady to me, and I'm sick about it. They have until this Friday to back out with their earnest money because of the inspections, so we should know by then if it will happen or not....I hope.

Then, it has been a juggling act with giving our tenants notice and the new buyers. One of our tenants was already planning on leaving around that time, so it doesn't change their plans too much, but the other tenants were not wanting to leave ever, so they have been scrambling to find a new place. They think they have a place and can begin moving out soon, but won't know until Tuesday. Well, the new buyers are mad because if our tenants aren't going to be there in July providing them with rent, they want to move in right away (understandable), which means they need to give their landlord notice right away, and yeah, it's just been a mess. I have tried to make everyone happy, but I'm tired. I wouldn't be surprised if both of our tenants get all moved out and these guys back out at the last minute, earnest money in tow. I'm trying to have faith that we have done everything we can do, so what is happening is what is supposed to happen, and not a punishment, but it's getting hard to remember, especially when I'm staring the dragon in the mouth.

I am leaving for 4 days in the morning to Colorado with my sis-in-law to help her find a house. Her husband was stationed in Colorado Springs (they have been living in South Dakota) so they have decided to try and buy a house rather than just live on base. I am so excited to spend the time with her, and that she would even ask...it will be a fun little get away. Bryan is now home part time for the summer, so he's staying home with all our kids. That brings me it's own set of anxiety and guilt, as not only does he have all the kids to deal with by himself with his health stuff, but he will have to deal with the stupid realtor and the inspection this week alone. It makes me a bit sick, but luckily his Mom and sister are close by, so I'm hoping it will all be okay.

When I was up in Logan a couple of years ago taking care of things with my brother, I got these nasty bad stomach aches...I think it was probably just a mild ulcer. Well, this week because of stuff, those aches came back with a vengence. I wouldn't really care, except they make me nervous with being pregnant. Usually they aren't too bad, mostly they hit when I'm on the phone with the realtor :). Anyways, on Friday, they were particularly harsh. I took the kids to the park for a couple of hours and we had a picnic in the rain...it was fun. The pain calmed down, but I could still feel it when it was time to go get Zerin from his last day of school. I got there about 5 minutes early, but the school had blocked off the normal pick up spot, and there was no parking for about a block in either direction because so many parents were there for 6th grade and kindergarten graduations and all the class parties. I found one spot, about half a block away, but it was no where near where I usually pick him up. So I waited for a minute, hoping he would see me, but he was in a full-blown bakugan negotiation so I knew he wouldn't look up if he didn't have to. I called to him, but he didn't hear me with all of the mobs of kids running everywhere. Last day of school, remember ;) Asher was crying because he was an hour overdue for his nap. I knew if I carted him down with me that I would be hurting full-force again, so thus began the chain of events that led to one of the most traumatic events of my life. Looking back, I should have just sent Liah to go get him, but that option didn't even occur to me at the time. So, I rolled all the windows down, turned off the van, and told Liah she was in charge. Her favorite song was playing on the radio, and she begged me to turn the van back on so she could listen to it. So being distracted, and once again, STUPID, I turned on the van to keep her happy, and I took off running down the hill to get Zerin (I'm sure that looked awesome...me and my huge pregnant self bobbing down the sidewalk).

It took me about 1 minute to get him, and maybe 2 more minutes to peel him away from his friends. We then both took off running up the hill to the van. He ran the whole way, I sped-walked. When we were starting back, I saw a woman, standing at the van with her son. When I was about halfway up the hill, I noticed she was on her phone, so I knew what was coming. Asher was still crying, and Aeden was now out of his seatbelt talking to Liah about what was going on. As I approached, this woman then proceeded to scream at me for about what seemed like forever, but it was probably more like 5 or 10 minutes. She insisted I wait for the police, and kept yelling about how stupid and wrong what I did was. I am ashamed to admit, I got a bit defensive at first, not because I thought what I did was right, but because I was backed into a corner. By this time, Aeden yelled at her to not be mean to his Mommy, so I had to get after him to not talk to adults like that. I then told her I would wait for the police like she demanded, but I didn't need to be harrassed by her while I did, so I rolled up my window as she yelled. This whole time, her husband was trying to calm her down, but it wasn't working so much. Her son was also standing there...I never really looked at his face, but I can imagine it wasn't fun for him either. The sidewalks were packed...remember, last day of school, so yeah. My kids at this point were all terrified because they thought I was getting arrested. While I was waiting I reassured them that the only reason the lady was mad and that the police were coming was because they were nice people who care so much about them and want them to be safe, and they were really worried, because Mommy did a really dumb thing to leave them in the car alone. I waited for again, what seemed like forever, but again, it was probably only about 10 minutes. Once the police officer got there, he reminded me how stupid I was, and told me not to do it again, and sent me on my way. The woman pulled away as she saw me drive away. At least it was over. I was guilt-ridden, humiliated, and devasted for what I had put my sweet babies through. What mother...? It was like re-living my brother's experience 2 years ago all over again.

I thought about the woman. How I wished she hadn't handled it like she did, but my guilt set in even more as I realized "what kind of traumatic event(s) has she been through that would draw that kind of reaction?" I felt horrible, not only for my children, and my own stupidity and humilation, but for what I had put her through, and her husband, and her son. After balling hysterically for a few hours while the kids played and watched a movie, I pulled it together and asked Zerin if he knew the little boy. He was like, "yeah, he was at fathers and sons." They are in our WARD?! If you know Zerin, you know he is never wrong about things like that, so I lost it again. How could I possibly go to church...especially since I was supposed to sub to lead the music in primary...in front of everyone? Late that night, I got a call on my cell, but I didn't feel like answering so I let it ring without checking it. The next morning I checked my voicemail and it was one of my favorite people in the world, apologizing for her relative who was the woman. She felt horrible, and said the husband of this woman was devastated about it, and sorry. I felt even worse...I was the one in the wrong, I was. And here were even more people I loved and cared about getting hurt from one stupid bad choice. I was however, relieved to find that this family didn't live in our ward, so I could go to church :) I went to the home of my friend, and told her I was fine, and apologized. I also found out that I had been right, this woman had been through a lot, and seen a lot in her life, and so coming on a situation like mine completely pushed her over the edge. All in the name of trying to avoid a little side ache. I don't think I will ever be the same after this, but that is good.

So now, I'm sitting here, getting it all out hoping I can pull it together enough to do a good job in primary today (which I am terrified about). I don't think I have been humbled to the point of sack cloth and ashes, but it feels close. I am not one to pretend to be something I am not, and so those that read this, be it my children, my family, or my friends, you get me...all of me. If someone can learn from my me-ness, then I suppose all of this humility will be worth it. Please don't lecture me though...I know I was stupid.

My Chosen Career...

Let me preface this by saying, I have many many friends who are moms that work outside of the home. I love, admire, and deeply respect each of them and their decisions to do what is right for their own families. There is no simple answer, but I feel compelled to share my convictions about this complicated issue.

As a little girl I had many dreams for what I wanted to be when I grew up. Many of these career aspirations would come and go with the changing seasons: a professional ice skater, a guitarist and drummer for a rock band like my dad, an astronaut (until I realized I get motion sickness and I am afraid of heights), a special ed. teacher, a floral shop owner...the list goes on and on. But the one thing that never changed was my inner yearning to be a mother.

Like with any career, preparation began early. I made lists and books of philosophies on rearing my children, activities to do with my children, names for my children, and more. It was definately not a situation that I just fell into. Bryan and I had similar wants and wishes regarding starting our family, so it was a choice we went into knowingly and purposefully, though perhaps with a measure of innocence and blind faith. I took classes both from community and college trying to better prepare myself for the gargantuan task of helping little souls to learn. So that being said, you can imagine how this article in the Deseret News today affected me.

I remember when Sister Julie Beck delivered her talk in the LDS October 2007 Conference exactly how I felt. There are very few times I have felt the Spirit as stong as I did during her address. I downloaded it the next day, and listened to it over and over, trying to let the words sink more fully in...desparately wanting to be the mother of whom she spoke. I was saddened to hear a short time later of those who were up in arms over her words. I was sad for Sister Beck, but even more sad for those women who were seemingly so intelligent, yet who apparently lacked an understanding of not only her words, but more importantly, how deeply God loves each of His daughters, and the great, divine mission he has for each of them.

Bryan had a conversation with a few of his coworkers last year where they were basically blasting stay at home moms with all sorts of nice labels. He listened for a long while, then asked them if they thought they were any more intelligent than his wife? They of course laughed and said no. "Well, my wife gave up her career, and chose to stay home with our children, so from what you are saying, that makes her not intelligent, and that just isn't true." Man, I love my husband :)

I have no right to comment on someone else's life circumstances and why they may choose to or choose not to stay home with their children. Every circumstance is different, every family unique. I believe in modern day revelation from our church leaders, and I am 110% convinced that Sister Beck's talk was inspired, and needed to be heard. As I have listened to it again and again, I always come away with an even more fervent desire to become the mother of my dreams and just go for it with all my heart, might, mind and strength. It has served as a call to arms, and I have it permanently saved in my mp3 player for those moments when I need a reminding as to how vital this everyday, seemingly insignificant work I am doing is.

Being a mother is nothing like what I thought it would be, but so much more than I ever thought it could be. It isn't dressing in Old Navy while your baby wears Baby Gap pushing the super cute stroller with your hair done perfect on your way to lunch with all your friends smiling and laughing in a vomitless world of poopless diapers (though, if I'm honest, I think that is what I expected in the beginning). This job has pushed me to physical, spiritual, mental and emotional limits...testing the very breaking point of my soul at times. It is the hardest, most challenging, rewarding, gut wrenching, blissful thing I have ever done and will EVER do. My hat is off to mothers who can (and sometimes must) work outside of the home while trying to balance a family...I know that is outside of my realm of ability, and I hope I never have to figure out how they do it.

I would never go up to a woman in the workplace and berate or belittle her for choosing a career. Why then, do some women who work feel it appropriate, and in some cases, their responsibility, to help us stay at home mothers see the err of our ways of not choosing a career. I could definately do more outwardly impressive things in the workforce than I do at home, but I am happy with, and so grateful for my choice and opportunity to stay home with my children. I can think of nothing I could do that will change the world more....