Gratitude and Gideon...

About 3 weeks ago, Bryan's back began to be in terrible pain.  His back almost always hurts, but I don't ever remember it hurting this much.  After about a week and a half, I hijacked him and took him to the instacare.  For those of you who know Bryan, you will know how much pain he must have been in to allow me to do such a thing.  That visit got the ball rolling, and 3 doctors later, we were able to get him hooked up with physical therapy which has helped some.  It's some kind of disc problem, one that we're hoping that work itself out with physical therapy.

The day before he had to go back to working full-time was one of his worst days as far as pain.  I called two of our dear neighbors to come to give him a blessing.  In it, he was promised he would be able to fulfill his duties as a father and a husband.  The miracle in that to me is that he couldn't walk, he couldn't stand, he couldn't lie down for long, and he certainly couldn't sit.  And yet to date during this whole latest ordeal, he has not missed a day of work.  In fact, he's had about 4 days where he has had late night classes to teach or school activities to oversee, and he hasn't had to miss any of them either.  That being said, he comes home, and is pretty much confined to his room or his bed, but it has been a huge blessing for us at a time when it's very important that he continue to make a good impression at work.  I was talking to him yesterday about some of the funny things the kids have been doing and he made the comment that he felt like he's been out of town for over two weeks with all of the things he has missed.

Throughout this long health journey we have been on, I have found myself wondering why not a miraculous healing?  Why not Bryan?  Why does he have to be constantly going through so much both in body and mind with no break or reprieve from suffering?  Yet, invariably as these thoughts enter my mind, the distinct feeling has come that we would miss something magnificent if this was taken away.

I hate watching him suffer.  I despise feeling helpless.  And I really disdain trying to plan for a future that is a complete mystery to me.  But like a dear friend said in her blog a few months ago when she was preparing to welcome home her new little daughter she was adopting from China, I'm trying to "allow myself to be surprised."  I'm trying to embrace all these unknowns as a good thing and wait and see what the Lord has in store.  That is no small task for a type-A planning nut job like myself.

I came upon this quote during my study one day, and it really brought this concept into a new light for me.

"Mercies and blessings come in different forms-- sometimes as hard things. Yet the Lord said, 'Thou shalt thank the Lord thy God in all things.' All things means just that: good things, difficult things-- not just some things. He has commanded us to be grateful because he knows being grateful will make us happy.

This is another evidence of His love."

 ~ Bonnie D. Parkin

Don't you just love that?!  He knows being grateful will make us happy.  He wants us to be happy.  He wants us to grow, so he blesses us with the opportunities for trial and struggle, but within that, he commands us to be grateful and to express that gratitude, even for those things and situations that cause us so much pain,  so that we can find joy during our sometimes difficult journeys.  

Here are three things I have to be grateful for that have happened over the past several days:  

• During these last few weeks, we have probably spent well over $500 in co-pays to doctors and prescriptions.  We also had some major car problems and other blah-blah-blahs that everyone has, and there was just no way to make it work, at least not on paper.  Yet through some more tender mercies, I was able to pick up extra work cleaning a different house for two weeks, and then two anonymous people left us money (I swear one of these people paid some random person to deliver it, because we didn't recognize the person or the vehicle!  Dang sneaky good people anyway!).  The amount of these three things almost to the penny covered what we couldn't cover ourselves.  I know that was no coincidence.  I don't like being on the receiving end, but I have been so humbled by the generosity and goodness of people who live close to the Spirit, and are able to serve as the Lord's hands.
• Bryan's change in health coincided with when my little sister moved in three weeks ago.  In spite of her own full schedule, and the major stress she has had in starting her new career, she has been such a huge help to me at a time when I just couldn't do it all myself, but at a time where I most certainly couldn't admit to anyone that I desperately needed help.  Such a blessing and a definite tender mercy from my Heavenly Father.
• This week I was canning, and you know how fun canning can be with littles underfoot (another blessing by the way...3 of our neighbors gave us peaches, pears and tomatoes since our garden has been really slow to produce).  It had to be done though, so I was gearing up for a day of whiny semi-neglected children, when my phone rang.  One of my friends offered to take my 3 youngest for the morning.  There is not a doubt in my mind she was listening to the Spirit, and served that day as the Lord's hands in my life.  All this while she herself is suffering from some constant health difficulties.  I am so grateful for her.

I read an article not too long ago in my mom's newspaper that also gave me new insight.  It was called "The more we are Gideon, the better" by Sally H. N. Wright.  She begins with the following:  

"I have a dear friend whose life is full of big challenges.  I have often wondered how she manages to handle them all so skillfully, so confidently, and with an admirably positive attitude.  So I asked her.  "How are you not overwhelmed all the time?" I asked her.  "I am amazed at how lovingly you care for your big family of young children, including one with very special needs.  I have less on my plate, but often struggle to keep a good attitude.  What's your secret?"  

"The thing is," she said, "I realized a long time ago that I am Gideon."

"Huh?" I said.

The author then recounts the story of Gideon.  How he, with his meager band of 300 armed only with trumpets when facing the fierce, enormous  Midianite army, called upon the Lord for help.  Though the direction that came was more than unconventional, it led to a victorious outcome for the tiny Israelite army.   She said that often there is too much to do, and it is all complicated and difficult.  

"There are too many demands and not enough resources.  It would be easy to give up and say it doesn't matter.  But it does matter, and her friend says she feels that Heavenly Father supports her efforts.  My friend sees herself dealing with a reduced army, but fighting on the winning team nonetheless, and she wants everyone to know where her strength comes from.

'It's not me,' she said.  'I've got help.'

Still, I have thought a lot about Gideon and his odds.  I've known for a long time that if God is on your side, victory is yours, but my friend's very personal comments made me realize having divine help is often a choice.

God is always on our side, ready to inspire and nudge us in the right direction--- we just have to decide if we are on His side.  When our lives reflect His will, we are never the underdog.  Problems do not disappear, but we have the strength and perspective to endure them well.

The more we are Gideon, the better our odds."