Vignettes...

This will be one of those magical moments when I look back on in twenty years and think, "I'm so glad I thought to grab the camera!"  Belen, wearing a popcicle stained face and shirt, begged me to put each one of her flowers and bows into her hair (we couldn't quite fit them all) and then proceeded to prance and pose around the front yard for all the neighborhood to see and partake of her lovliness :)

  

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Mandalen's morning helmet routine throws me off a little.  She always wakes up happy, but there is about a 30 second - 3 minute window of time from the moment I pick her up to when food needs to be entering her stomach to prevent sadness...loud sadness :)  So I usually feed her some cereal before anything else, but she also needs to have her helmet off for an hour.  It needs to be scrubbed and air dried each morning to prevent the horrendous helmet stink.  So usually I do that along with feeding her simultaneously.  As soon as she's done eating, she needs a bath.  This also has to hurry, because she likes to nurse before too long or she realizes table food just doesn't cut the mustard by itself just yet.  So we do the bath, then of course dressing. 

All of this has to happen while getting the others off to school, and getting the other two littles ready for the day.  It's a crazy little routine, which probably explains why I feel pretty frazzled by 10 am :)

So when we need to be out the door any time before 11 am, you can fill in the blank.

We had Aeden's kindergarten program Friday morning, and for whatever reason, we just had a tough time getting everyone moving that day.  We forewent Mandalen's nursing and mealtime, and just hurried and got dressed while I threw some leftover baby food in a tupperware and hurried the kids out the door.  She grumbled, but didn't get too mad thankfully... tendermercifully :)

We made it a few minutes early to the performance, so I donned her bib and began feeding her, thankfully Belen and Asher were being pretty good.  I sat in the middle so people wouldn't have to climb over me, thinking I'd have a good seat to the action (I was 4 rows back, so pretty close).  Of course a tall man and 3 women with big hair sat right in my line of sight to Aeden.  I realized how silly I was being for being frustrated at them when it was all over, but in the moment, I was admittedly exasperrated.  Mandalen was growing impatient that the pauses between her bites of peas (I know, peas for breakfast...it was leftover from the night before) were growing too long, so she started voicing her concerns, all the while Belen not being able to see started climbing on me.  

I give you this background so you can understand the why of the following picture.  I took some pictures with my zoom when the red sea of tall people parted momentarily.  I thought he caught my eye a few times so I wasn't too worried.

But when I saw this face, I thought, He looks way too serious for this, there's no way he's nervous!  But given my present juggling act, I dismissed the thought and started the camera rolling to record his performance.  He did so great, and he would smile really big when the audience would applause.

At the end, the teachers invited the kids to sit with their families while they showed a slideshow of the kids.  To my horror, Aeden walked right past me.  He walked to the back of the gym, looked around, same sad look on his face, and then it hit me:  He thought I didn't come!  That whole time he thought I wasn't there.  I stood up and ran to the edge, craziness in tow, to catch his eye.  I felt so so awful.  What kind of mother allows their child to spent their entire performance thinking I hadn't shown up?  I caught his eye, and he ran up to me.  I gave him a big hug and told him how great he did, and then hurried to find our seats again so we didn't block the video.  I'll just have to chalk this one up as one of those, "I did my best" moments, and hope he remembers I was there, not that he didn't think I was there.

The whole experience feels a bit symbolic of my current circumstances.

I believe that my Heavenly Father is watching, cheering me on.

But I can't see Him.  And I'm scared.

I'm looking forward to that moment when I see His face.

I know once that happens, I'll realize He was there all along.

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I found a new blog I enjoyed reading last night...I think I read every single entry!  This woman has a form of myositis, and I just loved reading her thoughts.  I really liked this post, and this one.  I am learning a lot.  But the more I learn, the more confused I get about what the future holds.  I am realizing that most likely we are dealing with polymyositis and/or this.

I keep getting told by the well-meaning to enjoy today, and to live in the moment.

Believe me, I am trying.  Not that it isn't possible, just not easy, but hey, what good things are :)