More to this story...

My emotions have been too close to the surface to do much in terms of real writing lately.  That's good and bad I think.  Good, because I have forced myself to focus on the good little things that are mine...

good things like...
a trip to the dinosaur park with two of my sisters-in-law and the kiddies  -  dinner with my youngest brother -  watching my sister, brother, mom, and my kids duke it on on Just Dance 2  -  getting some little projects done  -  enjoying my yard  -  seeing my new little daughter on a tv screen, and hearing that all-calming heartbeat that reassures me she is doing okay  -  watching my little beans start to grow in my garden   -  and so so many other good things that I probably am just not thinking of right now.

It's been good because I'm beginning to realize and embrace the fact that my natural man that wants to cast blame for what has been happening really has no place in my life any more.  I can't be that person while hoping to raise children that will take responsibility for their own lives...regardless of the circumstances life deals them or the people that 'despitefully use them.'  That's not to say I don't want to just be that natural man for a while...even just a couple of hours.  Oh how for a moment it would validate me to just let loose face to face with certain people.  I don't know why I think it would make a difference for them to hear from me, because if anything, I know it would make things worse.  At least in this life, it's a fantasy I won't ever indulge.

Just like the other years, I had allowed myself to imagine all of the happy ending scenarios, but I never could face or imagine how I would/should act if things didn't go the way we hoped.  It's weird to say that, because all along, I maybe more than anyone other than Bryan, was very careful to not get too excited, and not count on anything.  But I couldn't imagine this spinoff of our story...I didn't want to anyway.

To me, it didn't seem plausible that more would be asked of Bryan.  I really felt like he had done his part to meet the terms of the scripture in Mosiah 4:27 that reads,

"And see that all these things are done in wisdom and ^aorder; for it is not requisite that a man should run ^bfaster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order." 

I  felt confident as I reassured him every morning that things were about to turn around, that these circumstances would not last much longer, and that he would be able to handle whatever life handed him.  That being said, I could not see any possible situation where the Lord would ask more of him.  Yet here we are... :)  My pep talks feel rather empty and hollow anymore, although I still know he will be able to handle whatever he is given...I just don't see any end in sight any more.


I know others are called on to endure much greater sorrows and difficulties, and my heart aches for them.  I watch friends and family members struggle with various problems and difficulties, and I know I couldn't handle what some of them have been able to handle.  Yet as I sit here in the middle, trying hard to find the joy that I know we as sons and daughters of a loving Heavenly Father are meant to have, it's difficult to not feel a little picked on and forgotten.  But, that being said, I know I am not seeing the full picture.  I know there has to be more to this story than we can now see, and that something that will provide meaning and purpose to these last few years will ultimately come out.


Until then, we 'keep calm and carry on.'  Because whatever else may be going on, there are popcicles that need to be eaten, wishing flowers (dandelions) that need to be wished, jokes that need to be laughed at, and made-up songs that need to be sung.   

It may not be an easy read, but this story has a lot of life in it still I think.