A beautiful day...

For some reason, it's 2:14 a.m., and I'm wide awake.  Could be that my heart is overflowing, or maybe, youngest daughter, you are just comfortably perched  where one of my organs should be :)  Either way, it feels like a great time to write.

A little Mother's day history...

The first Mother's Day after I was married was right after our honeymoon...such a wonderful, happy time of my life!  

The second Mother's Day was a few short days before the due date of what would have been my first baby, but that heartache was overshadowed by the best (yet scariest) news ever...I was expecting again!  

Then came my first Mother's day as a Mom...I was so inexperienced, unprepared, and all of that, but I was so so so happy to be a Mommy finally to what I knew to be the cutest little boy ever born!  

Two Mother's Days later, when I thought it couldn't get any better, I got to celebrate being a Mommy to a beautiful little girl!  My heart was full, and even though it felt like I was becoming increasingly aware of how motherhood didn't come as easily to me as I had expected it would, I knew what a gift I was experiencing.  

2006's Mother's day blessed me with a sweet little tank of a baby.  This Mother's day was especially wonderful, because in the interim, I had struggled for what felt like an eternity (in reality it was just several months) to get pregnant, only to suffer a miscarriage.  So to have my 3 littles surrounding me, knowing our family was well on it's way to being here together, I was so so happy.  

The Mother's day after Asher was born was another gift.  Prior to his birth, I had felt so much overwhelming fear and anxt over what life had been throwing at us.  But from the moment he was placed into my arms, the peace that overcame me was all-encompassing, powerful, and something I will never forget.  I remember feeling that Mother's Day so grateful for all 4 of my little gifts.  

My Mother's Day after Belen was a bit of a paradox, because on one hand, here I had this BEAUTIFUL little angel whom I had worked so hard to bring into the world...she took my breath away she was so cute :).  It took months to really get over the fact that I did indeed have two beautiful little girls :)  Yet on the other hand, I was feeling very overwhelmed with my perceived lack of skills.  I felt that awesome moms were the ones to be celebrated, and although I was trying my very best at the time, my lack of patience and knowledge left me feeling very undeserving of any praise and attention on this special day.  I think I treated myself to 4 or 5 books on mothering that year, which did help my state of mind :)

But out of all of those special days, yesterday, Mother's Day 2011, will probably go down as my favorite Mother's Day ever.  Here are a few of the gifts (aside from the wonderful plethora of beautiful hand drawn cards, paper dolls, bath accessories, plants, books, etc.) that I received that changed the way I feel about this special day...

• True, Christlike love.  A couple days earlier, Liah had an accident and did a George of the Jungle into our horse chestnut tree...the tree won.  She ended up needing stitches, and Zerin emphatically insisted that he had to be the one to go with his dad to the instacare take her in.  Long story short, we ended up needing to go to the ER rather than the instacare so I came and took her, and Bryan and the rest of the kids went home.  Zerin called 4 or 5 times while Liah and I were waiting, wanting updates, making sure Liah wasn't too scared, and apologizing for not being there when she needed him most.  You know your kids like each other, but to feel of the intensity of his love and his concern for his sister was one of my happiest moments.  
• Bravery and strength.  That same night, I watched my sweet Liah in as much fear as I had ever seen her, which is saying something.  The last time she got stitches, the medication hadn't worked, and she felt every single stitch...awfulness.  So when they told her they would be doing an IV and showed her what had to happen, I feared the worst.  But that little girl with her racing heart held perfectly and completely still through 2 attempts (1 successful, 1 not so much) to place the IV.  She has a quiet deep strength that I marvel at constantly.  I want to be just like her when I grow up someday (and thanks to the wonderful people at Primary Children's, this experience, was MUCH better than our last...love that place!)
• Making others happy.  We have an older lady on our block, Aunt Elaine, that my kids love to visit.  She loves green beans, and so for a while last summer and into the fall and winter, the kids would bring her our extra fresh and bottled beans.  She told me Friday that apparently one day last week, Aeden had snuck over to her house and said something like, "I don't have any food for you today, E-wayne, but I missed you and wanted to give you a hug."  She calls him her little angel face boy, and tells me constantly how happy he makes her :)
• Patience.  Sometimes, Asher's lack of desire for independence frustrates me, mostly because it is a foreign concept.  My other kids pushed me away rather quickly (quicker than I was expecting) because they needed to do everything on their own from very early beginnings.  Asher is different.  He loves for me to help him, no matter what it is, no matter how good he is at the task at hand...he'll play like he's never done it before, and allow me the opportunity to step in and help.  The other day, I was getting a little exasperated with him and his 'neediness.'  He started crying, and so I quickly got unfrustrated, got on my knees so I could look into his little tear-filled eyes and held his little squishy hands.  I asked him why he didn't want to do it himself, he told me, "I like being with you Mommy.  You make me happy."  I hugged the snot out of that sweet little boy as you can imagine :)  
• Love of life.  One of the highlights of my daily routine hits between 7 and 7:30 each morning, when I hear my little Belen happily playing and singing to herself in her bed.  When I go up to get her, I am greeted  with the most excited, intense happy face, and usually lots of jumping and a gathering of her babies...yesterday she had 5 she was trying to carefully arrange in her arms before she would let me pick her up.  She gets joy out of everything: pulling every single last wipe out of the diaper wipes box, hugging Alex our dog (which Alex patiently tolerates), finding her siblings for her morning hugs first thing each morning, and, of course, eating (the girl LOVES to eat!).  Everything makes her happy (unless she's tired and/or hungry, then watch out!).  

I learn and glean so much from my kids, it is sometimes easy for me to forget that I am the mom.  But then don't worry...someone fights, or breaks something, or refuses to listen and I'm brought back to reality, lickety split! :)

Sometimes, it hardly seems fair that I have so many beautiful wonderful blessings in the forms of my children.  I feel guilty when I think of my loved ones and family members who struggle with infertility and other issues that make getting their babies here so difficult.  I often feel undeserving that having children comes relatively easy for me when I see so many women go to the brink of death to bring their little ones into the world.  

But this year, in spite of those feelings, something beautiful happened.  I felt like more than just a mom, I felt like a mother.  I am living my dream right now...granted, some moments I live better than others :)  I feel so incredibly grateful to be able to bring this next/last little spirit into our family...I feel bad remembering that there was a time not that long ago when I was terrified about her coming.  I cannot wait to meet her!!!!  I feel so happy to know that even though there is so much I know I don't know about being a mom, I do know that for now, I know my kids better than anyone (not counting Bryan)... I know their loves, their dislikes, their joys, their boo-boo's....I know all of that...and that's just awesome for lack of a better word :)

As I watched my kids all sit together, eating their angel food cake last night, I just wanted to freeze time for a second, because that moment was perfect:  Belen's adorable messy face, Zerin's plate noticably missing strawberries, Aeden savoring every last mouthful with his loud groans and closed eyes, Asher trying to be sneaky about taking strawberries from Belen's plate, and Liah carefully and methodically eating her food so the cake/whipped cream/strawberry ratio wouldn't be disturbed.  It just made me happy....so completely, totally wonderfully happy to know that they are here, and that for a while, I get to borrow them.  

It was a beautiful day.