My manna...

Yesterday I got an email from a friend asking me to help her with a paper she is writing for school.  I also got a message a few minutes later from another friend who read a talk she thought might help me.  These two things were no coincidence to me at all, and as I have spent the better part of the morning thinking about these two things, I realized that once again, my Heavenly Father showed me through the hands of others, how much He loves me.

I wrote my response to friend #1 first, and then read the talk (that was interesting in and of itself, because without knowing what the talk was about, that ended up being a big part of my response to my first friend).  I don't know if other people looking in on my life would have the same perspective, but Elder Christopherson's talk not only really helped me to clarify how I was feeling, and what exactly it is I should be praying for (this is something I have really really struggled to understand lately), but it brought me the peace to once again remind me that there is a purpose and a point to all of this 'stuff.' The opportunity to express my feelings about my life and motherhood, combined with this talk, truly were my manna from Heaven this morning.

Here is the email from my friend and my response if you're interested.

"So, I'm working on this big old paper basically about how parents act like parenting is a sucktastic chore all the time and it's sooo hard, and psycho study after study show that it makes us depressed and causes fights, etc etc etc. But we SAY its the best thing ever. SO, I'm looking at the contradiction between the actual task of parenting and how we feel about it and how we can improve our overall experience, short term and long term.

I love you and your blog and your attitude on life and trials, etc. You get SO much done with a ton of monkeys crawling around; things I won't even attempt cuz I have half as many monkeys - gardens and painting, fun b-day parties, on and on. 

I work part time now, but even when I was a full time stay at homer, I didn't get much done beyond sitting on my butt bemoaning how hard it was to do almost nuffin.

So, I was wondering if you (despite your insane busyness) could just take a second to ponder your life and tell me how you are seemingly able to do so much and seem happy (mostly) about it. How do you avoid the paralysis of feeling overwhelmed?? Do you enjoy life? Some people SAY they enjoy parenting, but there are clues that shout the contrary, however, your pleasure at parenting does seem the MOST genuine of anyone I know. Is there a mental trick or head fake you employ that helps you when it gets tough? (you are amazing, by the way, I admire you so frikken much!)"

So I spent the next few hours thinking about how to respond to her.  Here's part of what I wrote her... 

Me and Zerin working on painting our kitchen in our first real house in Layton.

As far as getting things done goes, I think that's pretty funny, but I'll tell you a story.  Up through the time I had Zerin, I was a HORRIBLE procrastinator.  I was lazy, with lots of awesome intentions, but I seldom followed through with anything.  It's my natural man.  When I was called to be Young Women President, that's how the first year still went.  I got some stuff done, but so much that I didn't, and what I did get done, made my home life suffer.  It was one giant huge guilt-fest.  I felt guilty for everything...for what I didn't do, for what I did do at the expense of what I SHOULD have done...it was awful.  So, after realizing it kind of stunk feeling that way (I had to feel that way for a very long time to get off my duff enough to actually do something about it) I prayed.  I didn't get a big shining answer, just a simple 'do it'.  So I started.  Any time there was something that I wanted to do that felt overwhelming, I fought my urge to just put it off, and I started.  It was a very uncomfortable few months, retraining my little self how to function in every day life...and don't get me wrong, I am still a HUGE procrastinator at heart...but little by little I noticed a change in what I was able to accomplish.  I would write those thank you cards when stuff would be done for us (I never wrote them for my wedding or for gifts we received for Zerin), I would call that person that was on my mind...stuff like that.  I still put off making the bed.  I hate making the bed.

Me holding Liah for the first time...one of my happiest memories.

So getting stuff done with kids is really just what I choose as priorities.  Sometimes, cleaning can be a priority, but often, as it's a loosing battle, it gets saved for the 30 minutes before I expect my husband to walk through the door (see the procrastination???).  It's seldom ever 'done' like most people have it done, but most of the time, that's okay.  I try to make birthdays a big priority, just because I want my kids to know how glad I am that they are each here.  I figure one day a year to celebrate their existence is doable (my attitude may change with #6...October-March feels like one giant birthday party sometimes ;)).  I guess what I'm rambling to say is that I get done what I make time for.  It's like people saying they don't have time to read (which I am one of them).  You have the same amount of time as everyone else, but it's how you choose to use that time.  Bryan works 18 hour days a lot of days, but he still averages reading a couple books a month, just because that is his love and his one thing he can do for himself, so he fits it in wherever he can.  The stuff I do is much the same way.  There is probably a lot I DON'T do that other people would cringe at, but for me, it works.

Me and Aeden on his blessing day.  He never was quiet ;)

 Now for the sucktasticness of parenthood (I loved that by the way) :)  I want to be more real to people, while at the same time, not coming across as Nelly Negative, so it made me feel good that you seemed to get a sense (I hope) of my life.  I don't want my kids, and especially my girls, growing up thinking that life, marriage, and motherhood is a fairytale, because it's not.  But I do want them to grow up knowing that life is beautiful, because it is.  Being a mom is dirty, it's thankless most of the time, it can be berating (when you have skills to do other seemingly more important things), and most of the time, it's not very attractive, and doesn't smell like the perfume counter at the mall.  It's not the cute, perfectly manicured and behaved children in white sunday clothes sitting quietly on a couch with a white fuzzy cat that I think if I'm honest, I thought motherhood would be.  It's emotionally and physically...even spiritually exhausting most days.  But that being said, for me being a mom is the most wonderful, rewarding, awesome thing I have ever done.  The daily gifts you get of hugs, smiles, a child who overcomes a personal struggle, a kid who dresses himself without being asked, and the unprovoked 'I love yous' bring me more joy than I ever thought I could contain in my being.  I can honestly say, there is nothing in this world that I love more than being able to take care of my kids.  They drive me crazy sometimes...a lot of times...and I have a long way to go before I could be considered a patient person, but I really really do love my job.  My kids are far from perfect, they have many flaws, but I am invigorated by their individual combinations of flaws and talents, and by playing a small role in helping them to overcome their flaws, refine their talents, and become the men and women they were sent here to be.  It's exciting to me, and I love it.

Asher and I enjoying naptime together.

Now THAT being said, on your question of 'do I enjoy life?'  that is more difficult, but not because of being a mom.  Right now, life's just hard, but I do get moments that bring me joy...does that make sense?   I have all the hope in the world that I will enjoy life again someday, and that this is temporary, and THAT brings me joy.  But I'm not really enjoying the process right now :)  

Aeden, Belen and I.  Happiness in a picture :)

Did you ever go on Trek?  Not to put myself in the pioneer category, but one of the things we did on trek is push a handcart.  I feel like I'm at a point in my life, where my arms are locked, pushing this handcart up the hill.  I'm looking at the dirt and the wheels going around and around, and all I'm really thinking about is just remembering to keep my arms locked and my legs moving.  I know that eventually we will get to our destination, but if I stop to think about that too long, I know I'll just stop, so I don't let myself do that too often.  My trick, I guess if I even have one, is that I try to remind myself the yuckiness is temporary.  The poopy diapers are temporary, the job search is temporary.  But the giggles, fingerprints, hugs and kisses are also temporary.  So I try to just enjoy each moment for what it is, and not put off life until things get better, because they may not.  That is a very conscious thing I have to do...it does not come naturally by any means.  I am a wallower by nature, so the whole 'live and let God' thing goes against my grain a bit, but I try.  My testimony, and the temporariness of this life, is a comfort to me, and helps me realize that as big as they may seem to me, my trials really aren't that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things.  I know there is nothing Heavenly Father couldn't swoop down and fix if that was the right thing to do.  And if He's not swooping down to fix it, there must be a reason, so I try and learn as much from these things as I can...but again, hard, not easy.

I want my kids to be independent, happy people who, in spite of whatever difficult circumstances they may find themselves in, can look back on their childhood as a wonderful happy time of their life where, oh yeah, hard things happened, but that wasn't the main thing they remember, you know?  And creating that happy childhood for each of them is something that brings me a lot of happiness as well.