4 years ago...

It's hard to believe that it has been 4 years to the day since I got a phone call from my youngest brother that changed my life forever...my 2 month old nephew was in critical condition and was being life-flighted to Primary Children's. I remember walking into the Emergency Room that night, seeing his tiny body encased in a brace, not looking alive.  I remember doctors telling us that IF he did survive, he likely would never walk, see, hear, or speak.  I remember thinking...I'm in a nightmare.

Fast forward to now :)  Even though at 4 1/2, he is closer to Asher's level, maybe just a little behind that, he is still continues to grow, learn, develop and just be this wonderful sweet amazing little boy that has blessed our family for the last 4 years of his life.  He is such a gift, and reminds me every time I see him that with God, anything is possible.

It's also hard to believe that in 4 days, my brother will be out of prison.  I cannot believe how quickly it came.   I know he is excited to move on and move forward with his life, and that is good.  But I don't feel ready to deal with all that will come with his release.  I don't want to deal with it.  I feel like I have been blessed through the Atonement to forgive him and move on from what happened to my nephew.  It is amazing that something so huge can be just taken from you.  It doesn't seem like it should work like that, but it did, and I am so grateful.

I remember that just 2 months after all of this horribleness happened, President Faust gave his talk in the April '07 conference about forgiveness.  That talk helped me so much...I listened to it over and over on my seemingly endless trips back and forth to Cache Valley to help with legal and property issues for my brother.  I can't help but feel that the timing of that talk was just one of many gifts from my Heavenly Father at one of the most dark points of my life...

I used to wonder 'why' a lot.  I used to wonder why I didn't get the impression to intervene sooner.  I wondered why I was appeased when I heard 'We're fine.' when I would call to check on Chris and his little family.   I wondered why an  innocent baby had to suffer so much.  It ate at me constantly.  The regret, the what-if's haunted my days, my dreams, the way I interacted with others in my family...it was overpowering.

But as I slowly allowed myself to let go over the next few years, those feelings began to creep away. I slowly began to realize our Father's plan includes individual agency, and that includes the gift and blessing we each have to make horrible decisions :)  Bad things can and will happen to innocent people, but with God, everything bad can be made right.  It's been  a blessing to see so much bad be made beautiful again in the form of a happy little boy thriving in a forever family.