The blog that keeps me thinking...and inspiring me to be better...

I read a really good blog post this morning, and it got me thinking.  Actually this girl gets me thinking a lot.  A while back she posted about how most people she encounters through school and casual encounters have no idea what she is dealing with.  It's just business as usual for the rest of the world, while she feels like she is dying inside.  It's funny how that happens.  I feel similarly...not to put myself in her same category...I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child.  But I know something of fighting a battle unbeknownst to most.  Not that I necessarily want to talk about my struggles with just whoever...it's just nice to feel like you don't have to explain yourself all the time. Sometimes I selfishly wish people knew and understood.  Sometimes I wish they knew that this situation we find ourselves in has tried me more than miscarriages, difficult pregnancies, deliveries, losing parents, grandparents, and other heartbreak.  Yet, it's invisible.  Sometimes, I just long to be like everyone else :)  I laugh when I say that because EVERYONE has invisible battles, and how arrogant of me to wrongfully assume the proverbial "everyone else" has life easy.  I'm dumb, I know.

But anyways, back to her post.  She quoted Elder Robert D. Hales when he said,

"Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have now without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future."

I catch myself constantly thinking about life before Bryan was sick, or about life after he gets a better job.  I remember how simple life was when Bryan was in school and we were laying plans for our future together.  I remember thinking, we just have to make it through these next couple of years, and then all of this sacrifice will be worth it!  I am so glad I didn't know what was coming :)

Yet as I wade through massive stacks of bills, and watch Bryan struggle to cope with 2 going on 3 jobs, I think about his career.  I fight constantly to not be embittered towards the people who seem to place more value on political backscratching and longevity than they do on capability and excellence.  If you would have told me 6 years ago that we would have 3 degrees and barely be scraping by, I would have called you a pessimist.  That just wasn't going to happen to us.  We were going to do great things, and we had so many selfless plans for our excess, there wasn't an "if he got a job" it was a "when."  It probably is still a when, I just now realize that "when" has a much broader meaning than I originally thought.  Bryan's Mom gave us a magnet for our fridge that reads, Faith in GOD means faith in His timing. (Elder Neal A. Maxwell)  That being said, I have some work to do :)


Bryan's illness is it's own little monster, and I won't bore anyone, including myself, with all that's involved there, but suffice it to say it has been lifechanging.  I am the 33 year old former high school quarterback that longs for the glory days of having a healthy partner in crime.  I miss feeling happy, and light, and carefree.  The other night, we were having family prayer, and Asher started tickling my feet.  I am not a fan of people touching my feet.  It caught me off guard and I just started cry-laughing because Aeden was sitting on me, and the dog was wrapped around me so I was stuck!.  After I regained my composure, Zerin said, "I love to hear you laugh, Mom.  You never laugh."   He was right.  I felt ashamed.  More work to do :)

So, considering all of these things, you can see that I am the antithesis of Elder Hales quote :)  But identifying your weakness is half, part, the beginning of winning the battle :)  I have so much to be grateful for, and I need to make more of a point to not only acknowledge, but relish those blessings I enjoy each and every day.  My 5 beautiful happy, healthy, children that strive to choose the right.  I have my health.  I have shelter.  I have the abilty to read and broaden my mind.  I have the gospel.  I have far more than I deserve, and I need to remember that. 

 

Back to the post again, Ashley has a little sign by her front door that reads "I can do hard things."  I remember Sister Susan Tanner the former General YW President speaking about this being their motto as a presidency.  They later changed it to “When I know who I am, I can do anything He asks me to do.”  Those are both such empowering statements.  I... me... Tiffany Anne... daughter of Shanna and Terry...yes, I can do hard things.  This mess is hard.  It is very hard.  But, though I am slow to remember, my Savior has "graven [me] upon the palms of [His] hands..."  There is nothing that you or I are experiencing he has not already experienced and suffered for.  There is nothing he doesn't understand, and there is no tear I shed that goes unnoticed.  He loves me, and for today...

...that is enough.