Realizations...

Last night, I watched Emma Smith, My Story again. It is one of my very favorite shows of all time, as I've mentioned before. I had some interesting insights and realizations as I watched it this time that I wanted to make note of.

I realized I tend to gravitate towards those that suffer. As I watched Emma endure trial after trial after trial, it was almost comfortable...does that make any sense??? Probably not :) I realized that I have a hard time relating with people that life seems to go relatively smoothly for. If you're one of those, I still love you, promise! I just may not always know what to say to you or what to talk to you about :) I need to work on that. Even though I think empathy is good, I feel bad that I sometimes unfairly judge people because they don't have visible problems. As Plato put it, "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Smiles can hide a lot, as I know all too well, so I really want to do better at that.

I feel very self conscious about the spectacle my life sometimes seems to be. On Sunday, I had three sweet ladies, including my Mom in law, trying to help me manage my kids during sacrament meeting. I was so embarrased, yet incredibly grateful (thank you Mom, Natalie and Candice!) I hate sticking out. But as a mom with 5 kids, how can you not? Though as I mentioned I have a hard time relating, I would love to be one of those normal girls that has time and money to get her hair done, or to go to a movie, or hang out with friends, or go out to dinner, or whatever else "normal" people do :) But, for reasons I won't pretend to understand, I am not that normal girl, so I am out to make the best of being me for now.

I also realized that I have a choice in all of this. This was an interesting realization because that is the exact opposite of how I have been feeling lately. I've felt I had no options, no choices, no hope. But, again, in watching Emma, and especially as she reflected on her life with her daughter, Julia, she was amazing, and the reason she was amazing was because of how she chose to handle her circumstances. I want to be amazing. It's certainly something to shoot for.

I also realized that even though a very real part of me feels like Heaven has hung the "Do Not Disturb" sign on it's door, a bigger part of me knows that there is a reason. That bigger part is a much more quiet and subdued part of my persona, so it tends to get bullied around by the part of me that feels wronged and abandoned, but the important thing, is it's still there :) And as I wait for the deafening silence that meets my prayers to end, I allow myself, against all common sense, to believe that the blessings Bryan and I have been promised, will one day be ours.

So, my biggest realization? I realized I haven't entirely lost hope. Isn't that wonderful? :)