Today, I went with my mom and sister to visit my youngest brother in the Gunnison Prison. It is something I haven't been able to do since his last parole hearing at the beginning of last year, so it was nice that things worked out for me to go today. I admit I have been dreading it for the past two months since I decided to go again, but as is always the case, I was glad I went.
It has been 2 1/2 years since he was arrested. It's hard for me to believe it has been that long. I never would have placed myself in the category of people who frequent prisons, and I was surprised at how diverse the group was that was there to visit loved ones. There were the ones that fit into my stereotypical description of what I used to think prison visitors should look like. But not falling into that description was the sweet, white-haired grandma, the well-dressed happy-looking older couple, the young woman visiting her father, little kids there to see their dad...not to mention me and my family. I doubt any of them pictured themselves the prison-going type either before they were thrown into this life by their loved one.
Our visit was 2 hours long. We talked about silly things, serious things, but mostly unimportant things...I have decided unimportant things are usually safe things. I can see positive changes in my brother, which makes me happy. But I also came to realize during our visit that he is still the same person.
Bryan told me something yesterday in regards to today's visit that kind of brought all of these random thoughts into perspective for me. He said that these little experiences of watching loved ones self-destruct, even when it destroys and hurts others in the process, is part of Heavenly Father's plan. Wha-wha-HUH?!? Yep. God watched and allowed 1/3 of his precious children to follow Satan...never doing anything to interfere with their agency, but always loving, always caring. We cannot expect to live a celestial life if we cannot allow others their agency...regardless of where that agency takes them.
And so I wait, I hope, I pray, but ultimately, I'm letting go.
6 comments:
You're awesome, Chris will always have you to look at and remember what kind of a sister you are and were!
Good for you in being able to let go. It's so hard, but it must be done. I have two sisters that have left the church and consider themselves "agnostic at best" and it makes my head spin, but what can you do? I respect their ability to make their own choices. In the end, it really does come down to what kind of life we choose for ourselves. Thanks for sharing this post.
Thanks for your thoughts. I am currenly dealing with a brother who has made some extremely poor choices within his marriage. As the oldest sibling, I want so badly to "fix" everything for him, while at the same time wanting to wring his neck for what he has done. Your words have been comforting to me.
It is hard indeed. I was discussing this just a couple days ago with one of my dearest and longest friends. God does have a plan for everyone. Sometimes it's just a very winding and twisted path to reach point B from point A. And sometimes it doesn't all happen in this lifetime. Good luck to you, my friend!
It's true. Our family had a similar experience when my younger sister got pregnant in high school. And it is not easy. And although my step mom and her sons don't go to church, she had to deal with the reality of "agency" when my step brother's drug addiction ultimately lead to his death a few years ago. Watching someone close to you make bad choices and not being able to do much to help them is one of the hardest things ever. I, too, am grateful for the perspective the church brings on the importance of agency. I can't imagine watching 1/3 of my children walk away from the plan of salvation - the plan of happiness. And then watching how many more struggle while they work out their probation here on earth. As a mother, it is such a difficult thing (even with young children) to try to figure out how much freedom to give them as they become more and more able to make their own choices. But you know you have to. You teach them and then you have to let them choose for themselves (little by little).
You're an inspiration to everyone! It's awesome that you can let the situation with your brother go. It's difficult, but you have to focus on what you can change and not what you can't. Thanks for sharing this.
Wow, Tiff! You are remarkable! I am SOOOO proud of you that you made the visit! I'm REALLY glad that you went with your mom and Jenny, too.
You have done GREAT things regarding Chris, which you know, you just need to keep remembering them!
LOVE YOU!
Post a Comment