I have decided that I am probably the only mom in the world (well, at least on the wasatch front) who doesn't have her kids in extracurricular activities. This is a source of lots of inner conflict for me. Part of me wants to let them do whatever their little hearts desire. Part of me thinks that's why lots of kids are entitled and self-involved, so yeah, I don't want that. Part of me knows we don't really have to worry about it, because we can't put them in much of anything for the next little while anyway (by the way...I am not whining... we have been very blessed. We are just having to prioritize a few things like everyone else for the time being). But the worst part of me is glad that they aren't in 100 activities.
***DISCLAIMER*** I am not saying anyone is bad or good or otherwise...every family is so different, so no hate mail, "k"? :)
In today's day and age, we have what many consider to be a big family, I feel a lot of judgement from other people. I get, "Wow, your kids are close!" or "You do know how to keep that from happening, right?" (seriously, a guy said that to me in line at the store the other day). I feel superjudged when they find out my kids aren't in any sports. Maybe they aren't but I can almost hear their comments in my head when we go to the grocery store on Saturday and see their families all clad in their soccer gear, and my 4 crazy kids are going 5 different directions. That, or I'm just paranoid. :)
When Zerin was 3, we had him in tumbling to help with some OT issues he was having. He really enjoyed it, which made me very happy. But I'll admit, the overall experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I loved watching him play, and learn and practice and develop talents and skills we never knew he had, but I had issues with how it seemed to be a forum for parents to turn their kids into little status symbols, and how they were always asking for money (above and beyond the normal monthly fee). You're probably all reading this, going, "Suck it up woman! If you are going to have kids, that's life." I know. :)
Then when he was 4, we put him in soccer. That was a much better experience, and if I had a small family, I think that would be the direction I would go. But I couldn't help but think when I was sitting watching him about how with four kids in soccer, every single Saturday and some weekdays would be consumed with soccer practices, soccer games and meets, and that it would leave no time to just BE together. I overwhelmed myself.
Liah has yet to be in anything, other than this little preschool we are doing, and feel like we've totally jipped her. With some different things that have happened over the past 2 years, I really don't know how we could have had her in anything, but still.
I feel like I need to get the kids in swimming lessons, I should get them started in some kind of music lessons, and if I don't want them turning into the social outcasts of the elementary, I had better get them into other stuff too. But in this world, it almost seems like if you don't have the family name, start your kids in the sport at age two, and start planning events to have them get acquainted with the coaching staff...they don't have a chance, so what's the point?
I always wished I had gotten to do more extra curricular activites and sports in high school. I have always been a little vocal about my childhood regrets which, yeah, that's real nice of me to do to my mom, huh.
I long for Sister Marjorie Hinckley's days of parenting, where she said summers for her children were spent playing in the hollow studying the "wiggliness of worms." I want them to look back on their childhoods with fondness, not regret because "Mom never let us do ANYTHING." More than anything, I want my kids to be best friends with each other, and I don't want them to be so busy that they don't have time to nurture those relationships.
Oh the guilt, the awful, awful guilt.
15 comments:
as I read your post I reflect on my own childhood. It wasn't filled with anything extra. We played with family, we played with friends, mom gave us swimming lessons, dad gave us shooting lessons! We learned what the other kids weren't - it was great!
As a parent I struggle with this as well and although we've put our kids in a few things I've made it a policy to keep it to one thing at a time. There is so much to entice a child's mind away from his family - to sabotage those relationships - so I think you (as a parent) just have to be cautious about what you let them do! Good luck! We love ya!
You really look into things way too much. You may as well blame Adam and Eve for the way Cain turned out, huh? Or how about Hitler's parents for that big mistake? Watch out world, Tiffany Skelton's kids are about to hit maturity...stay off the streets, the sidewalks...better yet, you may as well lock yourselves inside for the next hundred years.
Was that a bit over the top? Now I feel the guilt...ah crap.
Your the parent, who cares what everyone else thinks. They won't be held accountable. If your kids are "meant" to be soccer stars...they will. Nothing you do will thwart that if it is "the plan"...you know part of their "mission". I find comfort in that. General rule in our home (mostly because it was the rule for the hubby's household as he grew up)is one sport a year. Some exceptions to that...like YM sports and some school sports. Some of our kids really aren't even interested so we don't push it. As far as music goes...we try. It is nice when they start getting it in school. And again...if it is their "mission" in life to be musical...you won't be able to stop it and I'm sure you'd figure it out and say "Hey, that's a gift. We need to nourish it."
We are right there with you. We didn't want to send Nate to preschool when we lived in Utah. Then we found something that worked for us and felt right so we did it. It was one month, but it turned out to be one of the saving graces for me when we were trying to move. He is in gymnastics, but once he is in kindergarten I don't think that will continue. It is really hard. People are horrified that we don't have him in preschool, but I am really okay with it. If it makes you feel any better, my brother has four kids and they aren't in anything either.
I didn't put my kids in any extracuriculars until just last year, then it was just Karate for Crichton - he loves it. We tried T-Ball this past summer and it kind of sucked ... I think less is more, it's much better to develop sibling relationships, I think. We'll be keeping it way simple, one at a time at my house. Well, maybe piano lessons ...
Hmmm looks like your classified ad titled Wanted:........was more than achieved! You KNOW how I feel so you're way over the top on numbers.
Thanks you guys. I was feeling pretty alone on this one, so thanks :) No guilt, Dallin...I get ya! :
This is a struggle for me as well. Hunter only plays soccer in the fall and in the spring. He wanted to do basketball but I didn't sign him up because it over lapped soccer. I have a hard enough time letting him go to school all day everyday! I miss him! I am a true believer of just being home with each other. Anna is in Gymnastics only because she is home all day with just me and I am not paying for preschool (we do the gymanstics during the day while everyone else is at school and work). I have a hard time with families that have their kids in 50 different things. Life is busy enough without all the extra's. Don't worry about what others think, this is your family and you know what is best for them!!
I think every parent struggles with this. I know I have for sure. There are a few out there who push their kids hard and are determined to have the best sport kid or the best gymnast or whatever, but I think a LOT of us feel exactly like you do.
When Dylan was really young I had him in a music class, which was basically just so I had something to do with him, but when I tried it with Preston, it was WAY too hard to do. I've got a 3 1/2 year old going crazy in the corner while I attempt to give Preston the same experiences. Nope, not going to happen. He was also in a gymnastics class to help get some energy out, but I had to drop that too. Like what do I do with the other kids while he does all these activities? It was so stressful trying to get through the hour and Dylan wanted me to watch him, not drop him off. It was so stressful to me!
We are in preschool because Dylan needs to learn to listen to other authority figures and get along socially in a class before he starts school, but that's about it. I, too, want my kids to learn to swim because I think it's an important skill to have, but we'll have to learn it gradually. And Marcos will probably have the kids in soccer as long as they like it, but that's a father/son bonding thing for our family.
Oh, and it's just plain expensive to keep kids in so many things. I think you have to do what you want and can and let the kids guide you from there. I know a lot of kids would rather have free time to play and learn than so much structured time (and I know the church has cautioned us about filling up our schedules so much that there is no time for family). So no worries, I think you're right on.
Tiffany, I agree with you 100% on this! I think families in our society get so busy now that there is very little down time to be together. If it makes you feel better, Chris and I have already decided not to put our kids in a lot of those things. When we do, we're not going to pressure them to do it if they want to quit either. (At least that's what I tell myself now!) Life is crazy busy enough with just the basics. Why add anything to it?
I definitely feel you on this one Tiff.
I was talking about it with a friend and she said something that really helped. She said that she felt that the most important job she had as a mother is to help her children create a relationship with their Heavenly Father and if she does that well then the true self confidence and happiness and desire to serve others (not just entertain self) will come.
I know that that is true! We enroll our kids in extra stuff every once in awhile but only one thing at a time and if we feel that those things are taking us away from home (where the real important learning happens) too much then we cut it out.
There is a lot of pressure but just remember they will have eternity to learn how to play soccer/ tennis/ piano etc. but it is vital that they learn the spiritual essentials at this age and so as long as you feel like you as a family have time for that then everything else will fall into or out of your life naturally. Just do what FEELS right for your family and don't feel guilty if that means nothing extra for a time.
At least that is what I am doing. :)
Does that make sense?
Sorry, one more thing. I feel guilty a lot and so now when I'm feeling guilty I ask myself these questions?
Do I feel bad because I feel I'm not meeting the expectation of myself or other people?
Or, do I feel guilty because I'm not doing what I know the Lord wants me to do?
That helps me determine if the guilt is valid or if I just need to get over my own pride (I have a pride issue).
Anyway, it may be silly but if it helps then there you go.
You are a great mom Tiff and a great example to me.
Tiffany,
My kids don't do all the extracurriculars either. I just feel like it stresses our family out too much. I have signed them up for things before, but they don't seem to yearn for it, so I just quit. I like spending summer evenings in our backyard together, rather than running around from place to place. I think you do whatever works for your family. But, I too, have this nagging feeling that "What if I'm doing something wrong???"
I think that's a mother's curse.
If you figure out how to unload the guilt, let me know! Or better yet, write a book!
You are not alone! We have 3 boys and I struggle being "soccer mom." The chaotic schedule throws me over the edge! So far, we've just done soccer for our first two sons, and to be honest, they both just STINK at it! I'm actually grateful because now we won't have to shell out all that money once they'd get to the point of doing league play. We're going to try baseball this spring, and we'll see how that goes.
Don't stress about what others think. You're their mom... they picked you. Being the 5th of 8 kids, we didn't get to do "everything", but we did do a few things, and I'm grateful for what my parents did offer me. Somehow, my life is complete, even though I can't do an arial!
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