My Time for Change...

Over the course of the last few months, some of my less-favorite qualities about myself have begun festering in most unpleasing ways. I don't know if I am doing these things more, or if maybe Heaven is allowing me to see more clearly what a dork I truly am :) Either way, I have started that process of being humbled to my toes. Hopefully my sharing this doesn't make any of you uncomfortable...I'm not telling you so you can see what an idiot I am (though there is comfort in knowing maybe that other people struggle along with me), but rather so that I can kind of work through these things and become better.

1. I give unsolicited advice. Why? When I struggle with something...lets just say "mothering" and I see other people making similar mistakes, or heading down the road to those mistakes, I almost can't help myself but to jump in and save them. This is ironic because the times when I am the worst, is with the things I still struggle with. In this category, I think my experiences with my younger brother, and how I initially failed him have really impacted me, so now I get this diarrea of the mouth when it comes to telling people what to do...it's awful. Especially since, when I look back when I had Zerin, the people I respected the most were the people that trusted me enough to let me make those mistakes. My current solution: try try try not to talk so much, and pray.

2. I get very very very frustrated with my daughter sometimes. Why: I don't know how to read her emotions, we are both stubborn, I am scared to death I am going to scare her away and not have a relationship with her when she's older, her friends have a VERY powerful affect on her, and on and on and on. My current solution: I don't have one. I'm just trying to pray about it more.

3. I have a very bad temper. I hate this about myself. I hate how one minute I can be totally fine, and the next minute, I am just mad mad mad. Yuck! Then that anger, leads to depression, and we all know how fun that is, so yeah. My current solution: I am trying to play happy church music more, wake up earlier, and force myself to do better with prayer and scripture study (I am awful at both!).

4. I worry. That scripture in D&C 121:16 "...be still, and know that I am God." just goes right over my head. At this point in my life, not only would I not have walked out on the water to Christ, but I probably would have been freaking out that we weren't getting enough fish, that it was getting too late and we needed to head back for home, and on and on and on. This is one I don't think I can fix quickly, but I have already picked this one out for my main new year's resolution for '09. I know what I need to do, but it's the doing that has me stuck :)

Sorry if this seems like a downer entry. My point is to focus on what I am going to do so that I can change these things. It's like weight watchers....if I am accountable to someone I will be way more likely to fix it, right? And no one likes their friends knowing all of the horrible things about them, so there's even more incentive to me to change! It's like cleaning my house...I should want to clean it perfectly because I want it clean, but sometimes, I just need that nudge of knowing that someone is coming over to get it done. So whoever you are reading this, thanks :)

Where's My Sparkle???

I have to say, I am in love with Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I love the story, I love the music, I love the message...I love it love it love it. If there was a movie I would use as a theme for what I hope my life stands for, that would be it. Every time I watch it, I feel rejuvinated. Living each moment to the fullest, finding joy in the little things, laughing at every opportunity...that's what I want to do when I grow up.

It gave me a lot of cause for reflection, when I realized that somehow, despite my best efforts, I have lost that "sparkle" she talks about. I have always prided myself on the fact that I was especially in touch with my childhood, but somehow I guess life kicked it out of me during the last few years. The real eye-opener came tonight when Zerin was quoting a part from a John Bytheway CD he has been listening to tonight, and I started laughing. His little eyes just lit up, and he said, "I love it when you laugh, Mommy." I wanted to cry inside. If he notices when I laugh, I must not do it enough. I'm not quite sure how to refind my sparkle, but I am sure it has to be around here somewhere. If any of you have seen it, please let me know. I guess I could try EBay...everything else is on there :)