Sometimes I feel like part of what makes this blog a happy place is knowing it's real. It's comforting to occasionally be reminded that it's not all posies, rosies and pinterest projects if you know what I mean :) So this is my humble effort to let my children know a little of the why behind the what, since when it comes down to it, they are the main reason I keep this silly blog. I want them to know that in spite of all this "stuff," and even because of it, I love them each deeply. I want them to see that I am constantly trying to give them my best. And I'm trying to make my best enough.
I truly believe that if you spend enough time getting to know a person, any person, you will gradually unearth a mounding of "stuff" beneath their seemingly smooth surface. Stuff can be anything from funky shaped pinky toes, to pet peeves, to disease, to weaknesses, to tendencies, and on and on. We all have stuff. If by chance you don't now think you have stuff, just wait. "Stuff" likes to spread the love :)
I have enjoyed being a mother now for more than 10 years. It has been a beautiful, wonderful, exhilarating ride. But I'll be honest...some of the "stuff" I have been unearthing in both myself and my husband as well as our children has felt very daunting lately. None of these issues alone are overly intimidating, but the cumulative 8-person package has left me feeling very under-prepared and overwhelmed by it all. I find strength in knowing that the Lord's eye is on every sparrow, so I know He is aware. With that in mind, I just keep trying to do my best.
But in the spirit of being real (not negative), sometimes that is hard. Not bad. Just hard. I find when I get overwhelmed, I get snippy. I get frustrated. I get annoyed. It breaks my heart because these kids need an extra dose of love, understanding and patience, and sometimes, many times lately, I feel like I do way too much enduring, and not nearly enough enjoying. But I'm trying. Every day I try. I mess up at least a million times each day, but to my credit, I keep trying.
Not to bore anyone who may read this with specifics, but more to help me document this part of our life, I will give a small sampling of some of this "stuff":
One child really struggles with sensory issues. Food and nutrition, in particular, are a major challenge because of this. I have stressed constantly for more than 7 years that this child gets enough of the nutrition that he/she needs because he/she has become so limited in what textures don't trigger these issues. I pretty much feel guilty after every meal because of this. Oh and we are now entering the world of orthodontic care (yay!) and our first periodontal surgery with this child. So excited :)
One child has been diagnosed with multiple disorders, including OCD, AdHd, GAD, and is being evaluated for Bipolar II disorder. How is that for a neat little package. This child also has some other minor health problems that aren't major, but they seem to exasterbate the other problems he/she has. Before I was married, I knew very little about mental illness. There is still a lot I don't know, but I feel I've become something of a mini non-expert because of all the exposure we have had with this the past few years. One aspect of this that has been difficult for me to handle is that it is like something of a modern-day leprosy. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to know about it. No one wants to knowingly be around it, because understandably, it makes them uncomfortable. People try hard to be kind, because I believe most people don't intend to offend or to hurt, but especially those who have had no exposure to this type of illness have a lot of fear. Even those that have had exposure can still have a lot of fear. And fear in my experience generally doesn't yield many positive results. I want to declare war on fear, especially my own :)
One child also most likely has AdHD with possibly some other fun little things. Because of his/her constant intensity, I again find myself not paying attention to a lot of what he/she says to me, because it's constant, and oh wait, did I mention it's constant? :) It's only a matter of time before my actions cause permanent damage, and that scares me, as it should.
One child has some speech articulation issues and some possible minor allergies. This one is beginning to improve as we attend therapy, and he is MUCH easier to understand than he was even a few months ago.
One child is two. Enough said...bless her heart :)
One child gave us a scare a few months ago, but thankfully, those issues have now been resolved and we are enjoying some smooth sailing!
I know that feelings of being overwhelmed do not root in the light and joy of the gospel, but rather in fear. Stupid, dumb fear. I know of so many that have SO much more intense and difficult situations than I do and yet they seem to weather their storms with a greater amount of grace and faith than I seem to be able to muster in the middle of these situations with my kids. I feel like I'm on a merry-go-round...going in circles, not really sure where to focus or what to concentrate on. I do a lot of spinning, but I don't know that I'm really getting anywhere but dizzy with all of it. I do feel good about one thing, and that is that I know how deeply I love my children. And I know I'm doing my best. I hope tomorrow's best proves better than today's, but at least I know I'm trying.
3 comments:
Tiffany - you are an amazing person. You inspire me to get my thoughts put into words and to blog more! I loved your open and honest post - and I think that you are confronting any fears by simply writing about them and being aware of them. We all have fears, but I am with you on declaring war on them! I heard a quote about how if you let your head be full of fear, there will be no place for your dreams. Interesting. I feel the same way that you do about mental illness - a little under qualified as an expert, but we have so much of it in my extended family and I have had so many friends going through dealing with it, that I have tried to learn as much as possible and be open minded about it. One time my father was assigned to be a church delegate to the NAMI organization, and it was interesting to watch how much he learned about mental illness. I hope that you know that you are dead on with your merry go round analogy, it is true - sometimes we are spinning around and around, but you at least recognize that you are seated on the ride next to your loving family and children...and I guess we can all hope to have our 'Marry Poppins moment' where we get miraculously lifted off of the merry go round and carried onward and forward. ;) Thanks for your great post - and for letting me sit and ponder about how 'stuff'ed I am too!
Hey, thanks for your post. I was feeling awkward after giving a not so Sunday school answer in RS on Sunday--but more of an honest answer coming from a mom with 6 kids. (Felt like the ladies don't really jive with anything but the Sunday School answers). I love your honesty and openness and wanting your kids to know that life isn't easy, that being a mom is hard but that your faith is what gets your through this ride. Your post has helped me remember it's ok to be "real" as you put it, and not glamor things over.
I was reading my scriptures today and thought of your entry....it may not make sense, and it's really a simple little thing, but can be a big thing. It's Alma 17:35. Ammon wasn't afraid to go up against all those men who were scattering the flocks (our FEARS, our STUFF). There was 2 reasons why he wasn't afraid to meet head on with them alone. First, he knew he had the POWER OF GOD with him, and 2nd, he knew he had PROMISES made by the Lord concerning his welfare.
Made me sit and think about what promises the Lord has made concerning my welfare, my family. One being that I can be an eternal family with these little peoples that combined in our home makes up a lot of STUFF. Anyway, you are awesome, you are an incredible mom and have a beautiful family! love ya!
Awww-Tiff, you're such a good example to the rest of us! Thanks for the post!
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