Open...

Sometimes, I think it's funny that I make it so anyone can read my journal. Kind of dangerous in a way I suppose, to let everyone know what you are really thinking...at least some of the time :)

This weekend has been a lot of fun. I will add pictures someday. Saturday I took the kids to the Centerville parade...I love parades! I loved seeing 4 of my 5 kids with their hands on their hearts as the flag was carried by. I loved seeing them cheer super loud for the Special Olympians. I loved seeing Zerin speechless as the Salt Lake Bees' float drove by. I loved seeing Liah get that shy sparkle as she looked at all the princesses in the parade...I really loved it that she made it a point to quietly point out when their dresses were modest or not. I loved it that Aeden made friends with the families on either side of us whom we had never met. I loved it that Asher nearly passed out when the big semi-truck drove by...he was convinced it was Mack from Cars :) I loved it that Belen and Liah had their hair done cute and that all the kids were in red white and blue. Again, I love parades :) Bryan was able to come towards the end...the kids were SO excited to see him ride up on his bike. Then we took them over the the booths at Founder's Park. They had all done a lot of extra chores this week...they had each earned about a dollar, but we surprised them and gave them each $3. I thought that would go pretty far, but even the hot dogs were $1.50. Lucky for us, there was a bounce house that was free, and a water slide that was only 50 cents, so I think the kids felt like they got a lot of bang for their bucks.

We came home for a bit. Bryan's been working hard on some projects, and was able to finish up another one just before dinner. It always feels good to finish things. He also made a killer barbeque...that boy can grill!

Afterwards, he decided to brave it alone with putting Asher and Belen to bed, so I took the three olders to the Eaglewood fireworks. We did much better at finding a place to park and a better place to watch them this year. We were right next to the pond below the clubhouse. One of the skydivers was in what looked like a free fall for FOREVER but at the last possible minute, he pulled out of it, but my nerves were pretty shot from that :) Zerin and I played Uno while Aeden and Liah raked the sandtraps while we were waiting for the fireworks to start. Then we all played yahtzee, ate way too much candy, and took lots of silly pictures. I giggled, because, as I've mentioned before, Aeden has two settings...full blast, and asleep. He was go go go until the fireworks started, then I looked over at him two or three fireworks later, and he was out cold :) I love that kid. Zerin loved it...we are kindred spirits when it comes to holidays :)

So Liah.... oh my little Liah. She can bring my heart so much joy in one moment, and make me want to scream the next. She is such a tenderheart, which means 90% of her life is spent crying :) When Bryan used to take her on hikes, she would get paralyzed with fear on the trail, unable to move. Last night when we were at the fireworks, she was terrified, not just scared, terrified that the fireworks were going to fall on her and start her on fire. She buried her head in my arm, and was just shaking, begging me to take her home. As I reflected on other examples of this behavior in her life, I realized how often it happens. I haven't wanted to really face it, because I suppose I hoped this was just a phase, but after last night, I realized she has a severe anxiety problem, one that goes beyond normal anxiety in a 6 year old. I think she, more than any of my other children, pushes me to the brink of my abilities and knowlege as a parent. I feel very inadequate to know how to help her much of the time. That seems to be a recurrent theme in my life lately. On the flip side, this week, she decided she wanted to get Bella totally ready...diaper and all! And she did it! I was so proud of her. I think it really boosted her self-esteem because she has really stepped up with helping with Belen the past few days. Today during sacrament meeting, she held Belen for a big chunk of the time, and was very good to help. I love her so much, I just wish I knew how to help her.

I've said it before, but I had so many answers when my Zerin was new. I knew how I was going to keep my family close, and on the path to exaltation. "No Empty Chairs" in my house! :) I knew how I was going to teach my children the value of work. I knew how I was going to instill so much faith in their little hearts that they would know that "with God, nothing is impossible."

Now, more than 8 years later, I feel the stares of people who were just like I was as I struggle with noisy restless children in church. I imagine the criticisms and the "Well, my kids won't do that if I (fill in the blank)." Being a mom is the thing I care most about in this world if I fail at it or not, so I guess that's why any criticisms (even imaginary ones) cut me to my core. I sometimes sadistically wish that all these people with all the answers could spend just one day in my life. I wished that on Bryan's doctors too. I guess I believe that knowledge brings understanding, which is why (coming full circle) my journal is open.