Guilt: it's what's for dinner.

I love visiting teaching. I have loved the ladies I go visit. I have loved the ladies that come visit me. I know and understand why it's an inspired program...it works!

There are, however, a couple of things I struggle with visiting teaching. I hate calling people on the phone asking if we can come. I hate asking anyone for anything on the phone...call it a weird phobia or something, I'm not sure. When I was the Young Women's president, I was fine with every aspect of my calling and responsibilities except calling the girls. I hated that. I would delegate it every chance I could, my poor counselors and advisors! I was hoping I would outgrow it, but so far, no.

And then my kiddos. I hate bringing my children to someone else's home unless they are specifically invited. Hopefully the reasoning behind that one is obvious. One child...no big deal...2+ children?! Always a big deal. I LOVE having people bring their kids to my house, kids don't stress me out when they are on my turf. But I think most people tend to get a little anxious when they see loads of kids start piling out of a van for what was supposed to be a quiet adult visit. True?

Anyways...it was the one calling I have had non-stop since high school. Was...

A few months ago, my companion was called away unexpectedly on a mission. We only had two ladies that we visited, so I kept going (sometimes just calling) every month for the 6 months or so that she was gone. It was getting trickier, because Asher was becoming much more mobile (my nice word for "destructive") and Liah wasn't yet in kindergarten. Plus most of this occured in the summer so I had Zerin home as well. Going with 4 kids was proving to be a problem. But with Bryan's help, and his Mom's help, and the flexibility of the ladies I visited, most months we made it work. I think I got way more out of my visits with these sweet ladies than I ever brought to them. There are just so many good women and mothers out there for me to learn from.

Shortly after my companion left, they gave me another lady to visit, bringing my total to three. I was once again very blessed because this sister was someone I had looked up to for a while, and it was great to have an excuse to get to know her better.

About a month before I had Belen, they gave me another sister to visit. I didn't know this lady before, but turns out, she had Celiac, so I was excited to get to know her better and have a fellow wheat-free friend. As a side note, the presidency apparently hadn't realized that I was without a companion, and at this same time, they offered to reassign me, but I figured my companion would be home within a few short weeks, so I told them I would prefer to wait it out since I had already made it all that time. They were good with that, so we carried on.

Then my companion came home from her mission, but since I was just about ready to have Belen, she offered to take care of September for me (even though it was pretty much already the end of the month). So all 4 visits were on her shoulders. I felt relieved.

Then I had Belen, and I could not get it together.

October came, and at the back of my mind, every day was trying to figure out how and when I was going to make time to see these four sisters. How to make them feel like they are not just an item on my checklist, but truly important to me? How to schedule a time to go see them with either my children all in tow, ready and waiting to destroy their homes, or make an appointment in the hopes it was a "good" night for Bryan so he could be okay alone with the kids.

October went. My sweet companion again offered to go for me. This time, relief was replaced with guilt.

November came, and they switched my companion. I had never before understood people throwing temper tantrums when their visiting teaching companionships were changed, but I did now. Not because I didn't like my new companion, I actually didn't know her, but it was just one more thing, one more change in my crazy world that probably really isn't that crazy when I get right down to it. I didn't mind going with someone new, but the thought of explaining my crazy life to someone and starting from scratch, just send my stomach churning. I couldn't see how these explanations would come across as anything other than whining, and I didn't want one more person to think I couldn't handle my life.

I worried and fretted about how and when I could go. I couldn't see a solution. I felt hopeless, and guilty, frustrated, and extremely overwhelmed.

So I did what I swore I would never do...I called the Relief Society President and asked for a smaller assignment. She instead gave me a temporary "break." Her kindhearted words couldn't take away the blanket of guilt that was enveloping me, but still, I couldn't see another way.

Hardly a day has gone by that I haven't felt guilty for doing this. I feel guilty for abandoning the ladies I visit, I feel guilty for my new companion...I worry if she finds out I asked to be released she will think it had something to do with her (it didn't!), I feel guilty for burdening my old companion with my share of the responsibilities for so long, I feel guilty for not being one of the "strong ones" for the Relief Society President to depend on, but above all, I feel like I have just failed my Savior. Even Sister Hinckley was a visiting teacher while her husband was prophet. If she could find time, why couldn't I???

I think of the promises and covenants I have made with my Father in Heaven, and I wonder how I can do those things, and still somehow take care of my family. People do it all the time, I know, but HOW??? I feel like I have sabotaged any chances I may have had to serve in the future because I have now been labeled as "fragile" or something like that. In short, I feel like a big, fat, quitter.

So, universe, my question is simple...How do I somehow find the balance so I can again take on those responsibilities? How do you all do it??? When do you go??? How long do your visits last (I feel guilty if I rush out too quickly or if I stay too long)?

I need to get rid of at least one thing to feel guilty over, please! Help a girl out, won't you? :)