Usually, I know better than to write a post in the middle of the night, but I have to wait to go back to sleep until the washer finishes its cycle, because I just realized (3 days ago) that I am all out of whites, and I can no longer afford to procrastinate.
So, I think this whole Octo-mom thing has me a bit freaked out. I feel so bad for her, but I feel even more bad for her kids. I won't get into the rights and wrongs of it all...I just feel really bad.
The timing of this current event though, has me just reeling over my own children, and questioning my own motives for wanting a big family. Is it, how I originally thought, a desire Bryan and I have had from the beginning that Heavenly Father has condoned if not encouraged? Or, is it Tiffany being Michael Scott-ish and just needing more friends? I thought I knew, but more on this in a moment...
So, now I have this little health issue. I'm sure I'm fine, so don't stress out, but with Bryan's stuff, I'm being a bit of a hypochondriac (which hello, I'm driving myself nuts because that is really annoying!). I think I'm mostly nervous because I haven't been nearly as sick as some people get with their pregnancies, but I've been sick enough that I am REALLY looking forward to in 3 weeks when I'm not sick anymore (knock on wood!). So if I were to stay feeling sick, or get different sick, on top of what's going on with Bryan....oh Nellie. Plus if (and it's probably a huge IF) I do have this "thing," we would definately have to call this baby the end unless down the road things improve and we could adopt. Which, hello, that would be wonderful, but you see the dichotomy of it all? Again, I'm not feeling bad for myself, we have been very blessed in SO many ways. I am just very, very, very scared (did I mention VERY?). I'm really probably blowing this out of proportion, so just don't take me too seriously tonight, 'k'?
So we took the kids last night to the pool for Aeden's birthday. I was EXTREMELY nervous about it since I had never taken all 4 kids swimming before, and Bryan is still having issues, and has been, shall I say, a bit loopy (thanx to an awesome pharmacist, I think we are on the road to getting this latest issue corrected, but it could be a few days before the real Bryan emerges). If you ask his co-workers, they will tell you it has never been so entertaining working with him. He's just a little out of it :)
Anyways, the kids had a blast at the pool, and I think it ended up being good for Bryan, but after 2 hours, he was pretty wiped out. This was good because I was starving so I was glad for an excuse to pack up :) I digress... Asher wasn't feeling the best, so I pretty much had to be sedentary with him in the shallow pool, making sure he didn't get splashed. Bryan was a HUGE help and followed and took the kids where they wanted to go, but it made me realize, I could not take my sweet munchkins somewhere like that by myself. It was a devastating realization. I have always been the one to fearlessly jump in and go about life with my kids in tow. Whether it was swimming, or shopping, or whatever. But something about my last little boy and a soon to be 5th mystery baby has taught me fear, and now, I just want to be home. Which that's real fair to them.
So back to before...I have found myself questioning and wondering why in the Sam Harry Heck did we feel so compelled to continue to expand our family at the rate we did if we were going to turn into such useless, wiped out parents? It's not that I regret in any way, shape or form having any of my children (including mystery baby). I'm just afraid. Fear, it's a crappy thing.
Okay, so the washer's done. Time for bed...I hope! :)
6 comments:
I am not a parent yet but I am willing to bet that every parent at some point in life has asked that same question. You guys are wonderful parents! Like I said last night just the fact that you took them to the pool when you are both feeling no so great is huge!!! So stop beating yourself up you guys are awesome!!
You guys are amazing parents and I have no doubt whatsoever that you are fully capable of parenting however many children God sees fit to send you. ALL of your kids are lucky to have you!
-Laura
AAAAAGH! I'm feeling like a complete nincompoop right about now. You're not feeling better and in T-4 days you'll have a house FULL of Woolstons. Should I rearrange things?
Oh, and by the way...yes, other parents feel the same way. It is crazy trying to figure out the mysteries of parenthood and feeling adequate and "up" to the task. I agree will Danelle and Laura...you guys are great parents. Just remember we are NEVER given anything we can't handle.
It's always good to question because you eventually get through the muck wandering, and find yourself on higher ground. Both you and Bryan, I promise. Those munchkins of yours have these huge missions in life and the Lord is growing you to higher grounds so you'll be capable. There is NO doubt you be there when needed.
Love you both so much.
Oh, Tiff I feel it too. Four kids has had me thinking a lot of the same thoughts. I just keep thinking to myself -Let go of the fear and hold on to the faith. I still worry but I do feel like the Lord has led us with our family and ultimately He supports and guides me as a mother because they truly are His children.
You are a wonderful mom Tiffany, your kids are so blessed to have you. I don't think you realize how good you are.
I question every part of being a parent all the time. Don't worry about your worries :) - the Lord will guide you. You are not like the crazy octuplet mom. Honestly, that whole thing just floors me. And you are worn out not only because you have 4 kids, but because you're pregnant and puking all the time. This too shall pass. Keep your chin up (unless it's hovering over the toilet). :)
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