Pregnancy doctor visits...those are uncomfortable and stressful (because it's not just you they're talking about) but wonderful all rolled into one most of the time (hopefully).
Well child or routine doctor visits. I don't particularly enjoy going to these, especially with multiple children, but who doesn't love to get suckers and stickers after getting your weight checked...good times!
Sick visits. These are a polarizing combination of reposing reassurance, because you leave knowing relief for the sickie is on it's way, or agonizingly frustrating because you realize that even this class of highly intelligent individuals is at a loss as to what to do with you.
Today we embark on another visit in category #3. This one is relatively mundane...a followup to see if medication is working which we already know it's pretty much not, but that's cool. The big granddaddy of visits up to this point comes in March (unless I can convince another patient to cancel so we can get in sooner). There are certain things Bryan won't do for anyone, but this March visit to the neurologist, he's doing for me. My cousin has used this doctor for a couple of years, and he was the one who was finally able to diagnose her with MS after 2 years of people telling her she was crazy and referring her to pain clinics...gee we haven't heard that before...not. It is mostly with that doctor at this point my hope resides. Not that I necessarily think Bryan has MS, but I know something is wrong, and after going through the phone book of all the different kinds of doctors...we've pretty much exhausted every specialist that seems to apply.
I used to think I was pretty good at following the Spirit, but this whole experience has been incredibly sobering as I have clumsily sorted through my own feelings, desires, and thoughts, and those sacred inspired promptings. For example: I get an idea and think "oh we should try THAT!" and it is quickly followed but an unsettled yucky feeling, but to contrast, as I spoke with my cousin, I almost hung up with her early so I could hurry and make the appointment with her doctor I felt so animated, light, energetic, and hopeful inside. I wish I knew why at this point I was feeling compelled to go this direction...I hope it's because it means this doctor will be able to help Bryan, and not just turn into another wild goose chase. I'm not foolish enough to think he will fix Bryan, because I pretty much know his health issues won't ever go away, and that's okay. I think we both just need a little validation and hopefully some relief.
I feel like Bryan is riding this raging river of spiritual education right now, a
nd I am trying to take a drink out of a firehose. His experiences have taught me so much lately about pain, and bringing our will in line with the Father's, and the role pain plays in our salvation, but I know I haven't even scratched the surface on what it all means, and that again is very sobering to know how far I'm not. It (pain) is a gift in so many ways. Hindsight, I saw that with my dad as he battled leukemia until June 2000, I saw it with my grandma as she endured 14 years alone without my sweet grandpa before rejoining him in the eternities in 2005, and I saw it recently with my cute father-in-law. So from that perspective, I am very grateful for the opportunity we both have to learn and grow from these experiences.
4 comments:
What are we looking at exactly with your visual image of drinking from a firehose?
Tiff, I haven't been in touch with you until recently, so I wasn't aware of your husband's health problems. That is so hard. You sound like you are both dealing with it much better than I would be--good for you. I wish you much luck and I'll keep him in my prayers.
I sincerely hope the neurologist is able to help Bryan figure out what's going on with his body, and hopefully be able to provide some relief as well. I can't say I understand what you're going through - but I do know what it's like to have a husband with serious health problems. Please let us know if there's anything we can do.
Okay, don't judge my lack of clipart, Dallin. It was the best I could come up with in 30 seconds :) I knew I could count on you to over think my picture hahaha!
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