An Early Christmas Gift

I have always had a testimony of the power of the atonement, and the miracles it can work in our lives, but it has been a while since I have felt that miracle. To be honest, the heavens have felt closed to me for a while. But I had such a miracle yesterday, and I feel like I would be an ungrateful ninny if I didn't share my testimony of what happened.

For the past 2 years I have been struggling with the principle of forgiveness (and being willing to repent for not forgiving). Some things have been obvious...like when we were sued, or when my brother and former sister in law were arrested. Others have been much more subtle and seemingly less consequential. The subject of my lack of forgiveness has changed from year to year, but the effects have always been the same: my heart felt cankered, my soul felt dark, and I was angry and bitter. I haven't even enjoyed Christmas up to this point, and for me, that is saying something.

The most recent object of my anger is by far one of the smallest problems I have had to deal with up to this point of my life, but it has had some of the most devestating effects on my spirituality.

Several months ago, I started praying that I would forgive this person, but that was short lived because I didn't want to forgive someone that didn't want my forgiveness. My feelings have been exasterbated since my father-in-law died, mostly because I think my emotions have been closer to the surface than I wanted/expected. Even though this situation was unrelated to my dad-in-law...it was affected by it, does that make sense? So, backing up a couple months ago, then I began to pray that I would start to want to feel better, and that I would want to be able to forgive. Nothing. This went on for a while. These nasty feelings in my heart also had another bad side effect...I had no desire to pray or study the scriptures, and my new-found judgemental nature was seeping into other relationships. Ironic because even my 2 young kids could tell you that prayer and scripture study are the quickest ways to solve your problems.

Meanwhile, other small things kept happening that kept fueling my anger for this individual...it was a raging fire, completely out of control, and I was ready to succumb.

Sunday was a flood of emotion. I think I cried most of the day, resigning myself to feeling like this indefinately. I had the thought that day to write my cousin and ask her advice on how to get past this anger. Yesterday, we were able to connect, and what happened next, is truly the miracle. At the beginning of the conversation I explained specifics, went into all the reasons I was justified for being a bitter old hag, and all of that. She listened and reassured me I wasn't crazy like she always does. I cannot explain what happened next, or even attribute it to anything specific that she said, but by the end of the conversation, my anger was gone. Gone. Nothing was resolved, it wasn't like she gave me a 12-step program to fix the problem...nothing like that. It certainly wasn't that the object of my frustrations had gone through some mighty change of heart and begged for my forgiveness. It was just gone. Some could argue that just talking about it made it better, but since I had talked to Bryan about it nearly every night, and that usually just made it worse cuz it fired me up, I know that's not the case.

I know that in spite of my weakness and my shortcomings, my Savior made up the difference through the Atonement, and took that pain away. Just took it away.

I can't think of anything I have wanted more, and I am so grateful. Grateful to my cousin for being there when I needed her, and for being in tune enough to say what I needed to hear. And grateful beyond words for my Savior who suffered beyond measure for stubborn, selfish, judgemental, bitter old me. The Atonement is real.